thoughts and things

This wasn’t how it was meant to be

This wasn’t how it was meant to be

2 years ago you went away

you left us, went when we left the room

I’ll never forget that time ticking silence

that never ending day, sun sliding slowly

I’ll never forget that room, so small, stuffy, suffocating

This wasn’t how it was meant to be.


we sang, we talked, we stroked your hand,

you were so weak, you looked so different

you mumbled, moaned, you couldn’t speak

I wanted you to stay but I knew it wasn’t fair

a selfish thought, a selfish thing to want,

to remain in that pain

This wasn’t how it was meant to be.


Grandad sang Nat King Cole

‘When I fall in Love, It’ll be Forever’

tears streaming, we knew it wasn’t long

but you didn’t want to bother us

you didn’t want a fuss

we left the room, for only minutes

Grandad went home to get some things

we were laughing about something, smiling

then the Nurse came in, we knew, we knew

a dip so deep in my stomach,

my heart exploded into shards

rushing and running and racing and screaming and crying

up the long long corridor, running to an awful truth

bursting into the room – you’d gone, you’d left

This wasn’t how it was meant to be.


The last thing I heard you say

‘I Love You Em’


Nan; loss; death; dying; losing a loved one
Me and My Nan


Emily Tealady 2013



Crazy With Twins
Prose for Thought

15 thoughts on “This wasn’t how it was meant to be”

  • This is absolutely beautiful. I have tears in my eyes. My nan passed away 2 years ago and it still doesn’t feel real to me. There is a very strong bond between grandparents and grandchildren.


    • Thank you. Yes me and My Nan were so close, she was such a lovely lady. So sad that she never met my baby girl x

  • Heart-breaking. I have heard from a nurse friend that this happens so often – when people leave the room, the loved one feels able to let go, and go. So in many ways you set her free. But that won’t help your sadness. I’m sure she’s with you still in so many ways. And that poem, those words, are a tribute to her and you. xx

    • Yes I truly believe that. It was so sad though as my uncle had flown all the way from Abu Dhabi to see her and was about half and hour away if that when she went. She was such a lovely lady my only regret is that she never met Nancy x

  • Oh Emily this is beautiful and so heartbreaking. And you know? The very thing happened to me. Not far from a year ago today. Your nan will be so proud of you – to know you are writing and thinking of her still x

  • A very moving tribute to your granny Emily. The last line was my favourite. Wasn’t she kind to leave that with you for you to hang onto. Granny’s are the best. I’m sure she is around you and Nancy in the way I feel that mine is with me and my girls. Smile that you had her… x

  • So so sad. My granddad died recently just a month before I had booked to come over to see him, as he was seriously ill. I really couldn’t come any earlier as I had to wait for my daughter’s passport to arrive. You just want to be there, to hold their hand and guide their way. Maybe it is a journey they have to/want to make alone. xx

  • A lovely way to remember and say goodbye. I can totally relate to your feelings as we went through something similar. I miss my gran everyday and we lost her a long time ago now. I always tell my children about her and say that she lives on in our hearts

  • This is heartbreaking, but so beautiful that she chose her last words to you so carefully. It’s as though she was thinking of sparing your memories from the pain, by slipping away when you weren’t in the room. My gran hung on through lung Cancer and I hadn’t seen her for a long time. I visited and she died just hours after I left. She thought my daughter, was my sisters baby (my sis was pregnant). We believe she had been waiting for the baby to arrive and then she let go. Sadly she never got to meet my sisters baby, but she couldnt have hung on any longer.

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