thoughts and things

Me and My Weight

I know I am fat. I know it.

I am very aware when I catch a glimpse of my reflection that I do not look like the svelte goodness I am trying to channel.

I choose my clothes wisely. I want to look good, I want to make the most of what I’ve got, and make the other bits not look so bad.

I know I am fat.

I can’t undo this overnight, though. I have to live within the skin I am in whilst I sort myself out.

I have to eat. Because, you know, we all do. Sometimes, I eat a biscuit. Or a piece of cake. (I know! A FAT person eating cake!). Sometimes I even eat fruit. or a yoghurt.

It’s not like I eat 5 BigMacs for breakfast. Or 15 mars bars at a time. I eat things in moderation. I’ve seen some ‘skinny’ people eat two packets of crisps in a row. Did I pin her down with my icy glare? No, I just let her eat her lunch.

People can look so judemental, just through their eyes.

I know I am fat.

I will wear colours, and dresses, and skirts and tops and look summery, because I am happy with myself, and what I am doing.

I know I am fat, I know I am doing something about it.

I can’t wake up one day and suddenly be a size 12. But I can wake up every day and be myself and be happy and slowly but surely make the right choices.

I don’t care anymore what people say, or if people look at me. I know I am fat,  but I am not that awful looking. I don’t need a crane to carry me into work. I still fit into chairs and lifts don’t break when I step into them.

I guess my weight will disgust and sicken some people. I guess some people would rather die than be the weight I am.

Some people will freak out as they are 2 pounds into the overweight category – and that’s what I’m aiming to get down to.

But guess what? I am that weight, I am me. I have to live.

People laugh when you say you are doing weight watchers or slimming world. People start to renact the ‘dust’ sketch from Little Britain. People mock people for going to slimming groups. Or for trying to lose weight.

People will scoff at your meals and tell you, you won’t lose weight doing that.

What are you supposed to do then?

I am doing something about it. I can drink my diet coke, and eat my salad, and have a biscuit every now and then.

I need help, I need support, I need people to stop offering me cake and biscuits (well, so regularly – every now and again, yeah?). Most of all I need people to take me seriously.

I don’t want losing weight to be about secrets, and hiding it from everyone – why am I ashamed to lose weight, when most people look at obese individuals on TV and question why they haven’t lost weight and how they got so bad. What’s so bad saying you’re on a diet, and meaning it?

It’s even worse when you start down this journey, and then you hit a bump. You put on weight. It’s bad enough throwing your heart out there, telling people you ARE going to lose weight this time, and then you put it on!

You feel stupid and silly and then you feel like jacking it all in.

So, guess what. I am trying to lose weight. And I can bet your bottom dollar I will lose weight, and yes I WILL have weeks where I will put a bit on again. But I have to keep going. So I’m saying it right here.

I started yesterday and I am doing it. Right now. I need to do this for me, for my daughter, for my family. It’s not going to be easy and I will have bad days. But just by writing all this down, I feel better. I can wipe the slate clean.

I am going for it.




17 thoughts on “Me and My Weight”

  • Good for you! My boy has come back from Uni with more than a bit to lose. I have already imposed some house rules…no eating after 10pm (!) no snacks and good, healthy eating – we’ve been checking out the Hairy Bikers diet book for recipes we will all eat. He’s also bought some swimming trunks and is planning on swimming twice a week. He knows he’s a big lad and it will take time, but I will be encouraging him and joining him on walks while the weather is nice. And I’ll be encouraging you too…you go, girl!

    • You have nothing to prove to anyone Emily. you are true to yourself and that is what matters. We love you no matter what and I know more than anyone what it is like to be overweight and perpetually cast in the role of ‘jolly’ fat person. I have over the years perfected the art of getting the barbs in first. As in, ‘ I’m a size twelve on this leg and a size 12 on the other leg….’. you’ll be fine. You eat pretty healthily as far as I’m concerned and are a lovely person to boot, inside and out. I am biased of course. 🙂 As long as you are happy with who you are, that is all that matters. x

  • You go girl! And always remember you are gorgeous because you are you!
    I’ll support you through this. I’m going through the same thing right now and bloody hell it’s hard but I’m determined to be fitter for my family. Maybe we can do this together? Xx

  • Oh Emily, I could have written this post myself. I found myself nodding in agreement all the way through. You looked lovely at BritMums, you dressed well and you looked fashionable.

    I need a good kick up the bum, my weight has been a constant grind for the last ten years and for me to have another baby, I need to lose some – a lot – of weight! I don’t want the reason for Little Mr not to have a brother or sister is because I was too fat!

    I’ll be supporting you every step of the way, lots of love xxx

  • You are totally gorgeous. You exude fun and wit and shiny puddles of friendship to splosh about in. I’m all
    up for supporting you if you want to do this, but be warned! My husband used to be fun… Till he lost weight, now he’s a fitness bore, who dumped me!! Don’t lose who you are. Love the junk in your trunk. Being slim is not the end of the rainbow. I’m skinny, covered in stretch marks and have an ‘apron’ of loose skin that flaps down to my, um, flap AND I’m now single so I’m going to have to GET IT OUT! My point is, love who you are today. Don’t pin happiness on a weight target or summer dress… And please don’t lose the jolly along with any ‘fat’ and don’t call sugar poison or we are SO over. Love you. Great blog xxx

  • We’ve known each other a while over on Le Twitteur so you probably already know how I feel about the diet industry and all it stands for. However, I would never mock or criticise anyone for buying into it. I’ve been there, in that mindset. I spent years doing it. So I understand exactly how you’re feeling.

    BUT I also know that no diet in the world can make you see your own self-worth. When you stop weighing yourself and stop calorie counting and start focussing on giving your body what it needs to be healthy, regardless of what size or shape that healthy body comes in, eventually it doesn’t matter whether someone offers you cake, or judges you for eating a biscuit. There is no such thing as a “bad day”. You won’t know or care if you lose a pound or gain a pound coz you know that your body is strong and healthy and has what it needs to function. You don’t need to weigh your food. You don’t need to weigh yourself. You just need to be happy and confident that you are doing the best for yourself.

    I’m not trying to put you off or dissuade you. I wish you all the luck & happiness in the world. But I also wish for you to find that place where you don’t need a weigh-in or a diet plan to realise that you are a wonderful person exactly as you are. ❤

    • Thanks Lucy. I agree with you, I really do. I applaud you for saying what you say. The thing is, I guess what I’m trying to get at, is that I need to start losing weight for my health. Maybe slimming plans aren’t the real way to achieve this, but it’s a start. I don’t want to end up with diabetes and not being able to wipe my own arse. I am not so hung up on it as I was, I know I want to eat cake at times and I not count everything. I think you are right, but I’m not sure how I get the myself without some sort of structure in place. Thanks for your comment it means a lot xx

  • Fantastic post, I’m covered in goosebumps. I love the last paragraph where everyone else who is not important in this has gone and the real focus of yourself and your family comes in….brilliant!
    I feel your determination through this, you’re all over it, you’ve got it covered….good for you 🙂

  • If you can ignore others and do it for yourself, you’ve half the battle won if you ask me.

    I’ll often see overweight people jogging in the streets, sweat streaming down their faces, t-shirts drenched through and red faces that show just how hard a slog it is. And all I can ever think is “fair play!” as it’s not something I could ever do!

    Good luck 🙂

  • I wish we can talk like for reals. I am a size 8-10. But I feel fat. Its the feeling. I wish it would go away. I wish I have the determination you have in this post. I want to go back to my old self. The confident one. I would go back here when I am ready to talk. As I dont think I am making any sense. #pocolo

  • Well done firstly for putting it out there and writing it down. Personally I have never looked at you as fat, I have looked at you as Emily. The people who are judgmental need to worry about their own lives and not other peoples. All of us spend far too much time during our lives worry about not being the ‘perfect’ shape (what is that anyway?!) that we forget to enjoy living in the moment. Do it for you. No one else. All the best. Thank you for linking to PoCoLo xx

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