thoughts and things

Who is me? Getting back to yourself after having a baby

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8 weeks ago I had a baby. Sometimes I have to say it to myself just so I know it’s true. It’s an odd feeling now, thinking back to the birth and how things have gone over the last 2 months.

In The Know

It is a strange thing to think that now I have done what my body is essentially designed for: Childbirth. It’s strange to think that I have now done this mysterious thing – that all the years I thought about it, and watched tv programmes about it and how I used to chat to my friends and sisters about having children, and what names they would have. That I now know what it feels like to give birth. That I am a Mum. It’s a bittersweet thing really as on one hand you have achieved something that you wanted to do; and on another it is somewhat anti-climatic now that I know the secret. To be on the other side. I know what the pain is like that no-one can describe. I have nurtured, and created a new life. I am in the ‘know’.

Great Expectations

We all have certain expectations of life and certain watershed ages that we aim for and the things we can do when we reach that age. I am starting to think, are there many of these moments left?┬á I am sure there are but you know what I mean. It feels as if another step has been made. Something else to cross off my bucket list. I suppose being a Mum you are supposed to feel like an adult. I don’t feel like an adult. I don’t feel that the 90’s were 20 years ago. I don’t feel like an old fuddy duddy. I guess I don’t have to feel that way at all. But it’s just odd to think you are a Mum, I am what my Mum was/is to me. I don’t want to be someone who is only a Mum, although I love being one. I want to make sure I don’t forget who I am as well.

This experiences changes you as a person. I know everyone says it but I have to concede that it’s true. You’re still yourself but you’ve an added layer of understanding. Watching One Born Every Minute is now a completely different experience. If you have had a slightly complicated birth (as I did) I think it takes time to de-brief and to reflect upon what happened, especially if it didn’t match your expectations. And we have to do all of this at the same time as looking after a completely dependent person. I sometimes think about these things at 3am in the morning. Sometimes I am so tired and I should sleep, but I write, or read, or think. As I just need a little time to be me again and to figure it all out in my jellified head.

For me, these feelings are intensified as I am turning 30 in September. So it is quite a momentous year for me. I doubt I will be able to fit in a trip to Australia or a bungy jump by then, so I am having to adjust my list of things I want to achieve slightly.

Getting Back

So,how do you get back, or even just find, yourself again after having a baby? You have to put the two back together again. I feel I have been myself these 8 weeks but not my whole self, if that makes sense. However, I am starting to feel like I can merge the two together. It can only be a good and healthy thing for both me and Nancy if I keep myself on track, as this will not only make me feel better but will enhance her experiences too.

So I started with something simple: I put my contact lenses back on after 4 months of abandoning them.

I ate the last of my chocolate/biscuit/scraping the tub of nutella supplies and am now going to start Slimming World again.

I bought some clothes that fit me and are not labelled as ‘maternity’ (in a fit of nesting I threw away nearly all my clothes! which has meant 8 weeks in tracky bottoms and t shirts. I also threw away most of my shoes and so only had Uggs to wear. I must have been one crazy pregnant lady – well I was 14 days overdue so I had a lot of time on my hands.)

I went out for dinner without the baby, for the first time. and I had a glass of wine.

Get my Hair cut – it’s never been this long before and/or as split ended or wild looking, due to about 8 weeks of not brushing it properly and abuse of batiste

I charged up my ipod again and started listening to music that is not a nursery rhyme.

I started reading again – I am currently reading Honour by Elif Shafak for BritMums Book Club (review of which I shall put up soon).

So it has begun. This journey back to (or should that be a new journey to?) Myself.



9 thoughts on “Who is me? Getting back to yourself after having a baby”

  • YOU ARE DOING GREAT, AFTER ONLY 8WEEKS!!
    Five years on, and a second child (born 18mths after the GIRL), and I still haven’t regained myself!! you just give up, and go along for the ride, it is a bumpy journey, hold on tight. Motherhood is the ride of your life! x
    (I never got to experience the joy that is meant to be ‘childbirth’! mine both came ‘out of the sunroof’, one via emergency c-section, the second elective)

    • Thank you! As I said its my own expectations I guess! I know I wont be able to do everything or perhaps it will all go by the wayside but even if it’s just getting my contact lenses in each day I’ve achieved something! X

  • It was about the 8 week mark that I started getting desperate to “be me” again.

    Your list of activities sounds bang on track.

    Everyone said it would be impossible to read once my baby arrived. However, staying on track with my book club was one of the major things that I believe kept me on track.

    All the best.

    x

  • Fantastic post! You do always write things that are in my head too! What you write about being ‘in the know’ is a phenomenon that has fascinated me throughout life. I remember imagining what it might be like to kiss a boy when I was a teenager, and knowing that at some point, I would know and never be able to not-know again. It’s so strange. In fact, the first poem I put on my blog was about that feeling, just before becoming a parent for the first time!

  • Well done. Perfect time to come out of the shellshock of having a first baby, and it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I cannot watch OBEM any more – just too much of that knowledge to enjoy it with the same fascination. Good luck finding your new self!

  • Three children later and I still have days where I don’t think I’m quite me – but we become a different ‘me’ really, don’t we? Your list is perfect, reading, music etc. are definitely the things that we do specifically for ourselves, and I think that is so important. Even if we only get 5mins of ‘me time’ a day, it makes all the difference ­čÖé #PoCoLo

  • Do you know what? I felt exactly the same way as you did 8 weeks in and so many people said to me just take your time, it’s too soon to want everything back to how you were. It took me a lot of time but I got there. I don’t think I shall beat myself up so much next time around! Thank you so much for linking up to PoCoLo again lovely x

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