The sleep creep
When you want the baby to stay asleep it doesn’t take much to wake them up. Do they have sonic hearing? I literally have to open my eyelids and she starts shouting my name.
One thing I’ve learnt is that once she’s gone to sleep at night, there is no way I can do certain things. Here I’ve compiled a useful list for you:
What can wake the baby up:
-Sneezing – always need to sneeze when I put her in her cot. It’s like tempting fate.
-Brushing my teeth (I end up doing this when she has a bath). Brushing teeth when you’re trying to be quiet, is a crazy idea. Water, the sound of your toothbrush, echoes in the bathroom.
-Going to the toilet – it’s closed between 7pm-7am. If you’re desperate, you can’t flush. Awkward. I have trained my bladder to go 14 hours straight. Skillz.
-Laughing – unless it’s in my head…..
-Doing anything in the kitchen – plates, kettles, cutlery drawers are awash with loud noises. You can’t even make a cuppa without added sound effects.
-Reading a book – is it me or when you’re trying to read quietly, you seem to loudly open pages, drop the book on your face or something else
-Talking – you end up talking im whispers that are actually louder than your real voice
-Closing doors – after it gets dark, every door in the house suddenly gets a squeak that not even Wd40 can fix. I once tried to use my deodorant to stop the door squeaking in a moment of despair.
-TV – I end up watching things with the sound down on 1 or 2. I have learnt to lip read. This is why I love Nordic Noir programmes – ready to go with subtitles. Damn I love The Bridge.
-Breathing – I never heard that nose wheeze my partner does until it sounded like it was amplified a gazillion times since Bubs was born.
The sleep creep
Instead, I have created the ‘sleep creep’ which involves tiptoeing on my left foot whilst trying not to tread on the 6th, 2nd, 4th and 3rd floorboard with my right, as it sets off an alarm only dogs and my baby can hear. I jump from the landing to my bedroom door, pirouette and slip on my pyjamas like I am Kate Bush.
When you want the baby to wake up, and you’re late for an appointment or you’re breaking out into a sweat as they are sleeping into the late afternoon, not even a fog horn could wake them up, however. What the hell?