Tag Archives: time

Pregnancy Cravings

Everyone knows when you’re pregnant, you get loads of cravings, right?

image

I’m craving……

-Peace and quiet

-Cereal

-A lie in

-A day free from frozen

-Maternity clothing that actually fits

-Lots of warm tea

-Brie

-To be able to sit and watch Netflix for a few hours…or days

-Sleep

-A day to myself

-Energy

-A roast dinner

-A clean kitchen floor

-90s music

-The Archers

-A packet of Haribo. No sharing.

-An evening just lying on the sofa

-Er did I say sleep already?

-A bath. Without visitors or plastic tat

-A house that I can instagram

-A sequin bomber jacket like Taylor Swift

-Jelly

I don’t want to stop living because my dad is dying

When I was at work the other day, I was talking about starting to go to the gym. Someone remarked that perhaps I shouldn’t be doing that right now, because, well, you know.
What they meant by you know, was that my dad is dying. And who wants to go the gym when your dad is dying? 

Well, I do, actually. 

Everyday I wake up, and everyday is another day when I know my Dad is not well. He has cancer, stage 4, the worst it can be. Nothing can be done to cure him. It is awful, and the thought of him not being here makes me feel very sad indeed. 

I’ve cried, we’ve all cried. I cried the day they told me, I’ve cried on the way to work. I think of a memory of me and my dad and tears well up in my eyes. I watch Nancy with him, laughing and smiling and cuddling her Grampy, and I feel so sad that he will not see her grow up.

But you know what? I am tired of crying. I am tired of grieving for someone who is still here. I want to live my life, the way my Dad is so proud of me doing. I want to do the things I want to do, enjoy my time, make nice memories for all of us. For him. 

I keep thinking how awful it must be for my Dad. He has to face up to his mortality, a fear we all hold, surrounded by people who are crying for him as if he is already gone. He is being strong, as usual, holding everyone together when inside he must be falling apart. 

I want to make this a happy time. I want to make this time full of smiles, and laughter, and happiness. Not just for my Dad. For me. Should I be feeling worse than I am? Is it wrong to want to go to the gym? To go on holiday? No, I don’t think so.

Maybe this is a selfish thing to say, to write. But I can’t help feeling that it is wrong to be so maudlin and so miserable when this is the only time we have left with my Dad. 

Life should go on, life is what we are here to do. And most of all, I realise that life is precious. Life is so precious and we all take it for granted. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. I keep thinking of the tragedy in Tunisia, which happened days after my Dads diagnosis. Here we are, crying over my dad and yet there are 30 people whose lives were taken suddenly and cruelly, no warning at all. No one knows when they will die, just my Dad has been given the heads up. He can say goodbyes, tick things off a list, enjoy the time he has left.

Which is what we should all do really, isn’t it? Enjoy the time we have. I am a great believer in mindfulness, and living in the moment. Our time is now, we won’t get these moments ever again. Let’s make these moments count. 

It is easy to look at everything and start to feel sadness. To look at the calendar and wonder which day it will be. I won’t let myself be held to ransom by Death.

I have reduced my hours at work, temporarily at least, to make the most of this time. Spend time with my family, to take time for myself. I think of my Dad, and I want to make every time I see him a good one. I also look at Nancy too. I want to make sure we have lots of memories and good times to share as well. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I will cry. When it will all get too much. But I need to balance this with some positives. I have to at least try to do this. I can’t feel like a dark shadow of doom hangs over me every day. I can’t pause my life, leave my life in limbo, waiting for the day when ‘it’ happens. And I don’t think that’s fair on my Dad either. Keeping some level of normality must help him somewhat to feel like life goes on too. 

It’s ironic however that the normal you crave, that my Dad and we all want has gone forever. It was gone before we even realised we had lost it. We can’t go back, but we can move forward, and move forward together, smiling not crying. This is an awful situation, but I want to make the best of it, for all our sakes. 

Time

I am running out of time, Like sand through my metaphorical fingers. I just never seem to have enough.

Running out of time sounds dramatic, but I really don’t know where it all goes. I never feel I have enough time to do everything properly.

I am not sure what I do with my time, but I do something and then I blink and then it’s time to go to sleep or get up.

Just to prove my point, I fell asleep as I wrote that last sentence.

I start lots of things, I have lists in my head of things I want to do. I want to try my hand at crochet and also sewing (yeah the Sewing Bee really convinced me that I too can be a dress maker), I want to write lots of very funny and popular blog posts, I want to watch TV programmes right until the end, and not fall asleep.

I have ideas of washing my hair everyday and shaving my legs at least weekly (well, I can dream.) I  even think about getting to the bottom of the washing pile or even cleaning my bathroom.

I need to get better at managing my time. Where did all the time go?

I was asked recently what I did before I had Nancy. I can’t really remember.  All I can think of is big gaps of nothingness, days where I had so much time, it wasn’t a luxury to me.

I try and make the most of the time I have, but there are moments where I just think everything is half finished. Rushed. A bodge.

I make lists, and lists of lists, and that does help. I plan my time, but there’s always something else I could be doing, too. I have to prioritise and sometimes it is a hard thing to do.

I know I want to make the most of my time now. I think that’s what being a Mum has taught me, time is precious, and we need to make the most of it. So yes, sometimes I throw my lists out the window and do something different instead, because you have to make the most of things.  But then I come back with my tail between my legs, scrabble around picking up my lists of lists, and I’m back on that rollercoaster again.

Sometimes I have every will in the world but I’m just so tired and sleep takes over every other priority in my head.

I better go now as I am actually supposed to be in the shower, but I chose to write this instead. Oops!

I don’t really think there is any answer. We muddle along the best we can. Anyway really should go now as shower has been reduced to a wet wipe…

How do you manage your time? Any tips?

One Year: Reflections

I have almost forgotten what it was like to have my baby with me, inside me. It feels like that was a different person, a different being. I look at Bubs and can not relate the feelings, the kicks, the rolls, the hiccups with this person that is running around my living room. Being pregnant feels like it was a lifetime ago. Am I different? I think so, but not so different, if you get me. Just older, wiser and probably more tired. I feel sad that this connection is fading, but on the other hand it is so exciting watching her grow and change, and be herself, her own person. I can’t remember a time that she wasn’t here – everything feels so natural and everyday. Things are much easier now, and we all sail by in our little boat through life without too much rocking or bad weather. I am relieved about this. But also, now I have time to reflect, I want to make sure I don’t forget anything.

I sometimes think back and wonder about it all. My pregnancy was so easy, and I enjoyed it. I didn’t really feel that bad (I did feel a little sick at times) but I was healthy, happy and it sort of suited me. I was in no way prepared for the birth I had or what happened next. All the difficulties I experienced, that many experience, the stress, the tiredness. Even that all feels like it was a long time ago, and you know what? It was. Almost a year ago.I sometimes wonder to myself, will I ever get the chance to do it again? To learn from my mistakes, to correct what I feel went wrong? My honest answer is I am not sure. I don’t know. I am not sure if I want another child, and if we did, it won’t be anytime soon anyway. Why do I feel like I want a second chance? I want to do it right – but it may never be right. I may never get to do what’s in my head, I thought I would. It is so unpredictable, you would never be able to say that. And yet I feel if I had another chance, at least I could give it a go. I feel sad that I will never have that ‘first chance’ again. I am not sure I appreciated it all enough at the time – but then again, does anyone? In the heat of the moment, do you take time to breathe it all in and remember that time as you may never have it again?

So for me, seeing her grow, and smile and laugh is lovely. But I can’t help feleing sad that this time has come to an end, this first year. But of course it will, and of course it should. Pregnancy and newborn babies are all consuming, and I feel like the last few months I have been coming out of a bubble. She doesn’t need me the way that she needed to in the beginning. She is learning, and thinking and doing what she wants to – not what I want to. It’s fabulous, it really is, and of course she still needs me, but not in the same way. I guess it is only now I here at this point, I can stop look back and appreciate those first few weeks and months. How I thought I’d never want to think back to those times. But I can barely remember her as she was, so small and frail and newborn, and I need to try and grasp that memory before it fades away. I need her to know that I did love and appreciate that time, even though I found it so hard.

Me Time

Time to be ‘Me’

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have some time to myself. I had no idea what to do with it. It sounded like an oxymoron. Time? to Myself? A relative had offered to look after Bubs, and I accepted it, but didn’t think about what I would do in the time. I hadn’t had the chance to choose what to do, for a while. Usually when someone has her, I am going somewhere, or doing something else. This was the first time I could just ‘do’ something. Anything! I felt like a child in a sweet shop.

me-time-as-a-mum

It is only 5 months since I had Bubs, but in that relatively short time I seem to have forgotten how to be just me. What on earth did I use to do with myself? What did I do with my time? I couldn’t contemplate it. My mind may be frazzled from pregnancy and having a baby, but it is usually filled up with a list as long as my arm of what I need to do in the day, and that is usually baby related.

Until I had a baby, I don’t think I really took time into that much consideration. I mean, I had to be on time for work, for appointments, I had to make sure I was at the right place at the right time, as it were. But I don’t really remember ever thinking to myself, Oh, I had 2 hours to do this or that. Oh how times have changed. I used to have weekends to myself, when Dan was working. I used to just sit there, idly watching TV, drinking tea, and eventually I’d decide to get showered and dressed. Oh how I should have made more of my time! The day would tick on by, and I would not notice at all. Nowadays every part of my life appears to be run by time, and jobs, and things I need to do.

So, what did I do in my two hours baby free? I walked to the shops near my home. I know, I really got out, didn’t I?! I went to print off some baby pictures in Boots, for a scrap-book I want to put together (ironically I never find the time to actually stick anything in it) and then I went to Costa’s, ordered a Panini, and a drink, and I just sat there, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I’d never sat on my own in Costa’s before – I never had the time for that before. Ha. What I mean is, I could never be bothered to go and do something like that before. In fact, I would have never have done that before.

I walked about the shops, and in the sunshine, it was lovely. I felt like myself again. I felt I could just take a little break from everything. Because now my life is run by time. Time to feed, time to sleep, time to change, time for baby groups, time for tea, time for appointments. No time for me. No time just to ‘be’ and do nothing at all. When Bubs is asleep, I get to write this blog, but then I have to forgo other things I also want to do such as read my book, or eat lunch, or paint my nails. Everything I do, I now have to plan ahead. What do I want to do when she naps today? Even when she is asleep I am having to do things to make sure when she wakes up, everything is sorted.

Expectations

It also struck me that I had to get out of the house in order to have some ‘me’ time. The baby was home, so I had to get out. So I couldn’t just lie on my bed, read a book, or paint my nails. The expectation was I left the house. Which on a lovely sunny day, was great. If I am in the house, and so is the baby, people don’t really appreciate that I may want time to myself, and so interrupt me or basically don’t give me the chance to just ‘be’ in my own home. I was even really unwell one day, and I kept having to get up and see to the baby! It amazes me sometimes that people ask me for help, when I have to just get on with it, and work it out as I go along!

It makes me wonder why it is me that has to do this. My partner has the luxury of being able to come and go as he pleases. Don’t get me wrong, he helps me out a lot with the baby, but that’s it: he helps me with the baby. I don’t think it is ever the other way around. Is it fair to expect me to forfeit all time I have, for that smiley happy little girl? When Dan and I discuss working vs being here on maternity leave, the assumption is that whilst I am not at work, I am at home and that equals free time and how lucky I am to have it. Dan talks about working 8 hours a day and then coming home and having to help with the baby. Where does my shift start/end? There is no start, there is no end. I am expected to carry on, and on, and on. I love being with her, don’t get me wrong. What I am trying to point out, is that my time is not my own, not anymore.

Don’t Burn Out

Going to Britmums was a wonderful break from it all, and it was a very good use of my time.It was refreshing to feel released from responsibility, from having that never-ending shift. I felt so much better, and when I got back, I felt invigorated, not just about my blog, but also about my baby. I had missed her, and it made me enjoy the time I had with her again.

So when I got back yesterday, to a smiley, happy little thing, who is currently able to shuffle herself off her mat, and appears to be doing amazing things everyday, I felt happy, pleased and again, invigorated. It doesn’t take a lot of time, it doesn’t mean going to London every time, but just having a little break, a little time to be me, really can make you feel so much better. And I think we all need this, some time to ourselves. I would say to any new mum, or any pregnant woman, hell in fact any Mother, try to make sure you get some ‘me’ time, as you can burn out very quickly without it.

What do you think about your time? Do you have time to be yourself? What advice would you give to me or anyone, about finding time to be yourself after having a baby? Leave a comment in the box below!

If you fancy following this blog for more posts like this, why not hit the bloglovin button, or like me on facebook or follow me on twitter!