Tag Archives: life

Autumn Days РSeptember Tealady Update 

The year has flown by. I can’t believe we are back here in October again.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about October; it was a year ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I had to take time off from work, due to many issues including my Dad’s illness. Memories of this time last year, many journeys up and down the M5, watching my Dad slowly get weaker. 
I’ve been crying a lot recently. Not in a depressed way. A release.  I didn’t cry about my Dad much before now. I think I kept it in, held it all together to get through the pregnancy and supporting everyone else. It seems now I have time to process and let go of these feelings. I miss him. I miss his humour and his facial expressions.  I miss talking to him about DIY, my work and gardening. I miss gossiping with him about my mum and sisters, us both being the ones who sorted them out. I think he’d be pleased with what I’ve done with the garden this year – I’ve tried really hard with some help from Dan’s Mum. And nothing seems to have died yet. I chose a hollyhock as my dad loved to grow them – I think he’d be impressed with mine although would tell me I should’ve staked them out a bit sooner. 

5 and a half weeks in and I’ve started to settle into maternity leave and being a mum of two.  I won’t lie – initially I really felt I’d made a terrible mistake. It was hard. But now we’re all getting used to our new normal and we all seem fairly happy.  Nancy has been so good and understanding. She’s had her moments but she has been entitled to; after 3.5 years her world was changed rather dramatically!  We’ve only had one mention of putting Erin in the bin….

I’m taking a slower approach to life; enjoying time outside and exploring the area and enjoying each moment. I want to think about my friends and family more, create memories and just ‘live’.

I’m also really enjoying my crochet at the moment and have set up a Facebook page and instagram  (tealady_crochet). I am really loving this new crafty and creative side of me; it’s really excited me and invigorated me. I will blog about that in a bit too. I probably have bought too much yarn though….

So that’s me at the moment. My aim is to blog a monthly update and will blog bits inbetween. Even if no one else reads it, it’s cathartic for me!  
Emily x 

My Life with a Threenager

This is my life now…..

image

Lying in the dark, listening to the Frozen Soundtrack.

Making a hot chocolate without cream that should have been with cream but they weren’t going to drink it anyway but still they wanted, didn’t want the cream.

You’re Elsa when Anna sings but you’re Anna when Elsa sings, OK? Basically you don’t sing. At all.

Watching Ben and Holly until you believe you are actually an elf *blows trumpet*

Eating tomatoes at nursery, but not at home.

Playing matching card games with a complete cheat. And making sure they win or else there’s big trouble.

Pushing the trike around whilst she peddles madly screaming “we need more speed!” in an attempt to accost other children in the park.

Everyone’s her best friend. Or they’re not. But they are.

Laughing manically whilst she smears expensive hand cream into the sofa.

Watching an evolving sense of style which includes using a coat for trousers.

Figuring out answers to questions such as “Who made the steering wheel?” And “Why do we have tables?”

Not touching anything without first being told to. But when I’m told to touch something check it’s in the right way.

Clearly not understanding very simple instructions.

Finding things which have been taken from various places such as nursery or my dressing table hidden in pockets.

Making up bedtime stories but being told exactly what needs to happen in the story and it then taking a very long time to complete the story which is nothing like how it started.

Furniture being used as balance beams and trampolines and wishing she didn’t like gymnastics so much

Wanting the new baby to be called Cupcake

Experimenting with make up such as nail polish for lipstick

Feeling so very tired and wondering why you have such a spirited child

Answers to the question Why?

Answers to children’s most irritating questions….

WHY?

Well, because it is.

Because that’s what someone named them.

Who knows?

I’m not sure really.

What made you think of that?

I don’t know why daddy always leaves the loo seat up. Beats me.

Why are you asking me that?

Because we have to share a birthday cake. You can’t eat it all.

Because it wouldn’t be nice!

Well I don’t shout actually I just talk a bit loudly at times.

It’s just the way it is.

Because the Police told me so.

Because if you don’t sleep you won’t grow and if you don’t grow you won’t be able to reach anything yourself one day.

Well that’s what I eat.
No you don’t eat meat because you don’t.
Because you don’t.

Ask your Daddy.

Let’s think about that overnight shall we?

Everyone eats their dinner first.

Well babies can’t talk because they’re too small.

Something to do with clouds which go Grey and then there’s hot and cold air and….erm…well the sky just makes a big noise.

It’s one of life’s mysteries.
It’s something that we don’t know about.
It’s a secret.

I’m not sure why.

I’m not sure why I don’t know why.

Do you want some sweets?

The Silence

I never noticed how quiet it was in the house, until I woke up this morning and there it was. This deafening silence.

Bubs had gone to stay with her grandparents, and by all accounts was having a great time. I woke up at 8:45 and the first thing I thought was – ah, a lie in! (Oh how times have changed).

Going down stairs to make a cuppa, and there it was. Silence. And it got me thinking:

was this what it was like before? Before we had Bubs?

what the hell did I used to do with myself?

We sat and drank our tea, not even thinking to put the TV on. It was lovely. The silence enveloped me like a duvet. It was so different to what I am now used to. It was a novelty. We sat there, both thinking.

You don’t realise what quiet is, until you suddenly have it. I liked it, it was relaxing whilst I had my cuppa, but just for a while. I couldn’t cope with it for long and eventually the radio went on.

Reflecting on the past, I really don’t know what I did all the time! I’ve had a bit of time to myself the last few days but everything I’ve done has been something I wanted to do that lasted an hour or so. What did I used to do when there was no time limit? What did I do to plug the silence?

Silence, emptiness, white noise. These are words that came into my mind. Nothingness. It’s not just about sounds. What was I doing with my life?

I can’t even remember, you know. I remember reading my book for a few hours and my Saturday routine of cleaning the house from top to bottom (oh yes, I’ve always been a bit rock and roll!). But what did I do day to day? my partner works shifts and I used to spend many evenings all on my own.

What did I do?

Nowadays, whilst it is loud, chaotic, and busy, I like it. I thrive on it. I like the fact that when I come home we have our evening routine of meal, bath, bottle, bed. I like that when I come home from work, there is always a person happy to see me.

You don’t realise it at the time, but I feel now, looking back, that I was unfulfilled. My life had no direction and whilst I loved my job, outside of it I did not do very much. Socialising was something I wasn’t good at.

Now, I feel that a piece has been put into the puzzle. The sound of life and laughter has been filtered into my life. There were times before, when I know I didn’t speak at all, to anyone, all day. Now I am talking non stop. Now I have found who I am, and a role in life. I am very happy and you know what, she makes everything worthwhile.

I am glad that I don’t have silence in my house everyday. I can’t imagine my life how it was before.