Tag Archives: laugh

Pregnancy Perks and Pitfalls

There’s got to be some perks to this pregnancy lark….right?

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Pregnancy Perks

Not having to pay for the dentist

Being able to get out of anything by saying you’re pregnant

Being able to sit down on buses or stare at people intently rubbing your belly until they let you have their seat. Or give you a sandwich.

Having naps at work

Free prescriptions!

Being able to swim whatever time of the month

Not having to buy any tampons or sanitary towels! Take that VAT loving government!

Not having periods! For 9 months!

Just letting it all hang out. The freedom of not having to suck your stomach in.

If you’re a bit fat (like me) then you will get no annoying “are you pregnant” type questions as people are too afraid to ask

Wearing pyjamas all the time and no one telling you it’s wrong

Bring able to eat whatever you like! No Worrying about dieting….

Being able to fart whenever you like and that’s OK because you’re pregnant

Suddenly getting the energy to plan house redecoration, crafts, spring cleaning the house and pinteresting like a mo’fo

Crying at anything and everything but people don’t mind because you’re pregnant

Being able to get out of any kind of physical labour such as hoovering or lifting 3 year olds

Pregnancy pitfalls

Not being able to have any actual treatment at the dentist because you’re pregnant

Not being able to take Lemsip

Not actually being able to take some medication you can get for free

Not being able to reach and therefore manage your bikini line

uncontrollable flatulence

Forgetting to wake up after a nap

Not being able to eat all the nice cheese. And paté.

Not having any alcohol.

Discovering how you dance sober.

Knowing the mother of all periods will await you in 9 months time

Feeling so sick you can’t do anything you’ve planned

Getting stuck in the car, wedged between the steering wheel. And always beeping the horn when you try and get out.

People assuming you can’t do anything because you’re pregnant. Like run. Or have a bath.

As soon as you get pregnant, you suddenly get invites to parties, weddings, hen dos, holidays and every social event on the calender. Which you then have to attend. Sober.

Bearing in mind the last 12 months your social calender looked pretty empty….

Being the designated driver.

Phobias and funny things about me…. 

Ok. So I guess everyone ‘s a little weird, right? I mean, we all have our little things about us, that makes us who we are. 

I don’t really know why I am writing this.

I thought it would be a crazy good idea to let you know a few fun things about me. Things that will probably make you laugh or wonder what a weirdo I am. All in the name of embracing who we are. So here goes……

 1. I am afraid of Pigeons

Pigeons are evil little diseased birds and they are out there, waiting to fly in my face and attack me. I actually scream quite loud actually, if a pigeon tries to attack me*. Trafalgar Square is a no-go.

*limps with it’s diseased legs into my field of vision

2. I can’t chew baked beans

This comes from a long manifested issue where my Mum would make us finish our plates before we could leave the table. So I, erm, used to just swallow down baked beans whole,because I hated the texture and just couldn’t chew them. I still do this now. I didn’t realise this was weird for a long time….

3. I am scared of talking on the phone

It all started with a well meaning phone  call to the dogs trust when I was about 12. I had just watched their advert on TV asking for £1 a week donations. I wanted to give them some of my pocket money. However, their hard sales pressure telephone manner and their constant ringing on the house phone, and the fact my mum made me talk to them every time they called, has had a profound effect on my ability to make telephone calls ever since.

4. I love salad cream on my baked beans (that I don’t chew….I know….weirdo)

Don’t judge until you’ve tried it, right? It’s best with a jacket potato in my opinion……

5. One for the….what?

I used to think that Baa Baa black sheep gave a bag of wool to the Day. Not Dame. To my shame I only realised this about two years ago…..

6. I have a funny laugh

People have remarked I sound like Frank Bruno…..

7. I do a weird flappy hands thing when I’m nervous 

Yes. I do. So if you see me do it, just nudge me OK, coz I HATE doing it but I don’t realise I’m doing it.

What weird and wonderful things do you do? I’d love to know. Mainly to make me feel less weird……

Toddlers: The Top 25 Rules

The top 25 rules of having a toddler, as observed by me. These are the things I just know are going to happen. Let me know what you think! 


Toddler Rules:

1. They will always fall asleep when you don’t want them to

2. They will always stay awake when you don’t want them to

3. They will always tip a summer fruits drink all over themselves just before you leave the house

4. They will always do the most disgusting poo ever just before you leave the house.

5. Or, they will always do a massive poo on the way to nursery, making it look like you didn’t change them before you left the house. Which you did. Twice. 

6. If there is a teeny tiny piece of crayon somewhere in the living room, they will find it, and use it. ON YOUR WALL. 

7. They will become obsessed with one song, one TV show, one type of food at a time 

8. They will always eat all the food at nursery even stuff they say they don’t like at home

9. They will always like the noisiest toys

10. If there is an opportunity to fall over and get covered in mud,  they will do it

11. If there’s a puddle, they will jump in it, wellies or no wellies

12. They will always like the weirdest, oddest sounding nursery rhyme on YouTube 

13. They will like random items and call them toys, such as a giant red plastic spade that has to be taken everywhere in case we find sand 

14. They will always rub snot on your cardigan. Always. 

15. They always remember. Everything. Don’t say anything within a 3 mile radius if you don’t want them to know about it.

16. They will always want your dinner, or lunch, or cake. 

17. They will always want your things. 

18. They will try and put your make up on. And eat your lipstick.

19. They will always want the toy that another child has.

20. They will expect you to fix things magically, like a book that has been torn to shreds or produce items at their request instantly

21. They will break stuff at other people’s houses. Or wee on their sofas

22. They will shout BOOBIES or other such body parts in public. 

23. They will ask for milk, then when you give them milk, they ask for orange juice. Like you should’ve known. 

24. They will always want to go on the ride outside of the supermarket, when you don’t have the correct change 

25. They will always want one more, of whatever it is.

The sleep creep

When you want the baby to stay asleep it doesn’t take much to wake them up. Do they have sonic hearing? I literally have to open my eyelids and she starts shouting my name.

One thing I’ve learnt is that once she’s gone to sleep at night, there is no way I can do certain things. Here I’ve compiled a useful list for you:

What can wake the baby up:

-Sneezing – always need to sneeze when I put her in her cot. It’s like tempting fate.

-Brushing my teeth (I end up doing this when she has a bath). Brushing teeth when you’re trying to be quiet, is a crazy idea. Water, the sound of your toothbrush, echoes in the bathroom.

-Going to the toilet – it’s closed between 7pm-7am. If you’re desperate, you can’t flush. Awkward. I have trained my bladder to go 14 hours straight. Skillz.

-Laughing – unless it’s in my head…..

-Doing anything in the kitchen – plates, kettles, cutlery drawers are awash with loud noises. You can’t even make a cuppa without added sound effects.

-Reading a book – is it me or when you’re trying to read quietly, you seem to loudly open pages, drop the book on your face or something else

-Talking – you end up talking im whispers that are actually louder than your real voice

-Closing doors – after it gets dark, every door in the house suddenly gets a squeak that not even Wd40 can fix. I once tried to use my deodorant to stop the door squeaking in a moment of despair.

-TV – I end up watching things with the sound down on 1 or 2. I have learnt to lip read. This is why I love Nordic Noir programmes – ready to go with subtitles. Damn I love The Bridge.

-Breathing – I never heard that nose wheeze my partner does until it sounded like it was amplified a gazillion times since Bubs was born.

The sleep creep

Instead, I have created the ‘sleep creep’ which involves tiptoeing on my left foot whilst trying not to tread on the 6th, 2nd, 4th and 3rd floorboard with my right, as it sets off an alarm only dogs and my baby can hear. I jump from the landing to my bedroom door, pirouette and slip on my pyjamas like I am Kate Bush.

When you want the baby to wake up, and you’re late for an appointment or you’re breaking out into a sweat as they are sleeping into the late afternoon, not even a fog horn could wake them up, however. What the hell?