I know I am fat. I know it.
I am very aware when I catch a glimpse of my reflection that I do not look like the svelte goodness I am trying to channel.
I choose my clothes wisely. I want to look good, I want to make the most of what I’ve got, and make the other bits not look so bad.
I know I am fat.
I can’t undo this overnight, though. I have to live within the skin I am in whilst I sort myself out.
I have to eat. Because, you know, we all do. Sometimes, I eat a biscuit. Or a piece of cake. (I know! A FAT person eating cake!). Sometimes I even eat fruit. or a yoghurt.
It’s not like I eat 5 BigMacs for breakfast. Or 15 mars bars at a time. I eat things in moderation. I’ve seen some ‘skinny’ people eat two packets of crisps in a row. Did I pin her down with my icy glare? No, I just let her eat her lunch.
People can look so judemental, just through their eyes.
I know I am fat.
I will wear colours, and dresses, and skirts and tops and look summery, because I am happy with myself, and what I am doing.
I know I am fat, I know I am doing something about it.
I can’t wake up one day and suddenly be a size 12. But I can wake up every day and be myself and be happy and slowly but surely make the right choices.
I don’t care anymore what people say, or if people look at me. I know I am fat, but I am not that awful looking. I don’t need a crane to carry me into work. I still fit into chairs and lifts don’t break when I step into them.
I guess my weight will disgust and sicken some people. I guess some people would rather die than be the weight I am.
Some people will freak out as they are 2 pounds into the overweight category – and that’s what I’m aiming to get down to.
But guess what? I am that weight, I am me. I have to live.
People laugh when you say you are doing weight watchers or slimming world. People start to renact the ‘dust’ sketch from Little Britain. People mock people for going to slimming groups. Or for trying to lose weight.
People will scoff at your meals and tell you, you won’t lose weight doing that.
What are you supposed to do then?
I am doing something about it. I can drink my diet coke, and eat my salad, and have a biscuit every now and then.
I need help, I need support, I need people to stop offering me cake and biscuits (well, so regularly – every now and again, yeah?). Most of all I need people to take me seriously.
I don’t want losing weight to be about secrets, and hiding it from everyone – why am I ashamed to lose weight, when most people look at obese individuals on TV and question why they haven’t lost weight and how they got so bad. What’s so bad saying you’re on a diet, and meaning it?
It’s even worse when you start down this journey, and then you hit a bump. You put on weight. It’s bad enough throwing your heart out there, telling people you ARE going to lose weight this time, and then you put it on!
You feel stupid and silly and then you feel like jacking it all in.
So, guess what. I am trying to lose weight. And I can bet your bottom dollar I will lose weight, and yes I WILL have weeks where I will put a bit on again. But I have to keep going. So I’m saying it right here.
I started yesterday and I am doing it. Right now. I need to do this for me, for my daughter, for my family. It’s not going to be easy and I will have bad days. But just by writing all this down, I feel better. I can wipe the slate clean.
I am going for it.