thoughts and things

Tag: humour

My Spa Day Experience – The Salt Scrub

I had never attended a spa day before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. This weekend I was on a spa day as it was for my sisters’ birthday.  Paper knickers, foil and chanting monks…..see what happened when I went for a Salt Glow […]

Plus Size for Beginners

If you’re new to Plus-Size, or just wondered what was within the flowery section at the back of the shop with this name, then this very much tongue-in-cheek guide is for you. 1. The plus-size department is seperated from the ‘normal’ clothes, usually at the […]

8 truths about nursery

For anyone not aquainted with a nursery, these 8 truths may help you to fit right in when your child starts….

1. You can never just ‘drop off’ your child….it takes at least 10 minutes and even then you have to crowbar your child off your leg

2. On that point, I break my neck to get there as close to opening time as possible, press the buzzer….and I wait and wait. Be prepated to wait for ages, holding a wrigging toddler and having to remember the password. “SOMEONE LET ME IN!” I want to scream in the frenzy of the morning chaos. I should’ve made that the password, thinking about it…

3. They will always, always get covered in mud, paint,water,  and have lasagne in their hair. There is absolutely no point in dressing up all pretty as they will be in spare clothes within about 10 minutes of arriving.

4. What do they eat? Who knows. If they ate half a veggie roast, what does that equate to exactly? She won’t eat salad without screaming blue murder at home, but you tell me she eats SECONDS? When they write ‘beef lasagne’ then cross that out and put ‘veggie lasagne’, what did she really eat, hmmm?

5. You will always get conned into buying their professional photos….yes I too said I wouldn’t ever bother but oh! the pressure. Oh and I always forget that it is photo day and it’s just pot luck if she’s wearing something suitable…

6. Keep all spare change for charity money that you will have to give to nursery as part of red nose day/children in need/hug a tree day etc.

7. Be prepared to empty your recycling bin and hand this over to nursery for various art and crafts projects. I buy Waitrose milk just so I can look good when I hand over the empty cartons.

8. Get ready to wow the nursery with your child’s fancy dress outfits. Book Day fills me with fear. Luckily this year she wasn’t well and so we didn’t have to do a bodge job with a bin bag and some tin foil. 

Stress eating – a poem

Costa Skinny Latte and a Full fat Muffin A fruity flapjack fits the Bill and I’m not bluffing a diet coke or two and a rich tea if it is there by the time the birthday cakes arrived I’m starting not to care you have […]

Questions I often ask myself now that I’m a Mum

Questions that go around and around in my head now that I’m a Mum. Can you add any to the list? Let me know!  How long can I leave her staring at that stranger sitting behind us before it gets uncomfortable?  Can they tell that […]

Toddlers: The Top 25 Rules

The top 25 rules of having a toddler, as observed by me. These are the things I just know are going to happen. Let me know what you think! 


Toddler Rules:

1. They will always fall asleep when you don’t want them to

2. They will always stay awake when you don’t want them to

3. They will always tip a summer fruits drink all over themselves just before you leave the house

4. They will always do the most disgusting poo ever just before you leave the house.

5. Or, they will always do a massive poo on the way to nursery, making it look like you didn’t change them before you left the house. Which you did. Twice. 

6. If there is a teeny tiny piece of crayon somewhere in the living room, they will find it, and use it. ON YOUR WALL. 

7. They will become obsessed with one song, one TV show, one type of food at a time 

8. They will always eat all the food at nursery even stuff they say they don’t like at home

9. They will always like the noisiest toys

10. If there is an opportunity to fall over and get covered in mud,  they will do it

11. If there’s a puddle, they will jump in it, wellies or no wellies

12. They will always like the weirdest, oddest sounding nursery rhyme on YouTube 

13. They will like random items and call them toys, such as a giant red plastic spade that has to be taken everywhere in case we find sand 

14. They will always rub snot on your cardigan. Always. 

15. They always remember. Everything. Don’t say anything within a 3 mile radius if you don’t want them to know about it.

16. They will always want your dinner, or lunch, or cake. 

17. They will always want your things. 

18. They will try and put your make up on. And eat your lipstick.

19. They will always want the toy that another child has.

20. They will expect you to fix things magically, like a book that has been torn to shreds or produce items at their request instantly

21. They will break stuff at other people’s houses. Or wee on their sofas

22. They will shout BOOBIES or other such body parts in public. 

23. They will ask for milk, then when you give them milk, they ask for orange juice. Like you should’ve known. 

24. They will always want to go on the ride outside of the supermarket, when you don’t have the correct change 

25. They will always want one more, of whatever it is.

Things I like to do now that I didn’t like to do before I had a baby (and turned 30)

I’m not saying they’re connected but I’ve noticed recently there are a number of things that I like to do now that I’d never have considered before. Now it’s either because a) I’m now 31 and starting to become an old fart b) this has […]

Excuses for why it’s light at bedtime and why you need to go to sleep even when it’s not dark

It’s just the street lamps Your room gets dark first  What light? It’s dark!  Oh look. The moonlight!  Shut your eyes, and then it will be dark It’s only morning when mummy says so What do you mean there’s a black blanket on your window? […]

Sick Leave Mummy Style

When I used to fall unwell, before baby, although I felt rotten there was some slight excitement about being able to lie on the sofa in a lempsip stupor, watching Homes Under the Hammer and This Morning.

Now, when I first feel the signs of a cold, I’m necking echinacea like no tomorrow and ramming oranges down my throat quicker than a martini.

You see, nowadays, I don’t want to be unwell. I dread being unwell. It’s probably the worst thing that could happen to me (yes I know when anyone is unwell it sucks, but still, I feel the dread).

You can’t call in sick to the Mummy job. Oh no. That is not part of the employment contract.

Whether you have been coughing your guts up all night doesn’t matter. You will be up at 6am making playdoh bananas and feeding the baby jelly like there was not a problem in the world.

Peppa Pig will be pounding into your head like a hammer, and your head will be so fuzzy you’ll wonder if you’re hallucinating when the twirlywoos come onto the TV.

The child may demand to Play shop, for you to make juice, (not orange juice, purple juice), to go on the potty, off the potty, dress up, dress off, reading hairy mclairy very loudly and demanding pasta and pesto for lunch and not eating it, all the while you’re breathing like Darth Vader and dragging one foot behind you.

Your only contact with the outside world, your phone, will be demanded to watch YouTube videos of adults opening glitter putty coloured eggs. There is no escape.

Child will want to sit on you, preferably your chest so that you actually can’t breathe much. Even better when they sing a song in your face.

You’ll consider going back to work. I did once, and was sent straight back. I cried all the way home.

Food wise, you manage to survive on dry cereal, hula hoops and squash, muller light yoghurts and quorn chicken nuggets. Time will tick by very very slowly.

Where is the other half to free you from this nightmare?

Then they come home, tell you they don’t feel well*, and go to bed.

You read bedtime stories to the child until your voice cracks and you can’t stop coughing. Then you manage to wheeze ‘twinkle twinkle’ and crawl out of the room with the last ounce of energy you have, to the safety of your bed. You may forget to brush your teeth and wear the same pyjamas that you’ve have been wearing for the last 48 hours.

And then if you’re lucky, you may sleep for a bit.

I’m all for a cure for the common cold, me. Anything to try and prevent another sick day.

*Is it me, or when you say you’re unwell, your partner will say they are unwell too? And they are always worse than you, aren’t they?

Dinner Time Showdown

When I get home from work, I always have that dreaded question in my head, and like clockwork, the question will be asked. It’s one of life’s mysteries, and one we all ponder on a daily basis. Question: What’s for dinner?  Answer: I don’t know […]


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