Oh how times do change between your first and second baby….. Purchases Then: Buy everything new. Shiny and new. Now: De-moulding the car seat that’s been sat in the garage for 3 years Baby Fashion Then: Buy a special ‘just been born’ outfit, as well […]
Everyone knows when you’re pregnant, you get loads of cravings, right?
-Peace and quiet
-A lie in
-A day free from frozen
-Maternity clothing that actually fits
-Lots of warm tea
-To be able to sit and watch Netflix for a few hours…or days
-A day to myself
-A roast dinner
-A clean kitchen floor
-A packet of Haribo. No sharing.
-An evening just lying on the sofa
-Er did I say sleep already?
-A bath. Without visitors or plastic tat
-A house that I can instagram
-A sequin bomber jacket like Taylor Swift
Answers to children’s most irritating questions….
Well, because it is.
Because that’s what someone named them.
I’m not sure really.
What made you think of that?
I don’t know why daddy always leaves the loo seat up. Beats me.
Why are you asking me that?
Because we have to share a birthday cake. You can’t eat it all.
Because it wouldn’t be nice!
Well I don’t shout actually I just talk a bit loudly at times.
It’s just the way it is.
Because the Police told me so.
Because if you don’t sleep you won’t grow and if you don’t grow you won’t be able to reach anything yourself one day.
Well that’s what I eat.
No you don’t eat meat because you don’t.
Because you don’t.
Ask your Daddy.
Let’s think about that overnight shall we?
Everyone eats their dinner first.
Well babies can’t talk because they’re too small.
Something to do with clouds which go Grey and then there’s hot and cold air and….erm…well the sky just makes a big noise.
It’s one of life’s mysteries.
It’s something that we don’t know about.
It’s a secret.
I’m not sure why.
I’m not sure why I don’t know why.
Do you want some sweets?
You give birth, you don’t sleep for months, brain cells dissipate..you think you’ve got through it, but then the Mum Fog descends and you start to forget to do everything….. 1. Shave You get to the swimming pool, you get into your costume and you […]
I find it odd that we are supposed to be training our children in the art of life-long continence when in reality, I don’t have a frigging clue how to teach someone how to manage their bowels and bladders. Is there a potty training, training course for clueless parents? If so, I missed the boat.
Before I could even say ‘potty’, my girl was stripping off and weeing in the plastic thing. It was like a game of cat and mouse: Dare I talk about this phenomenon, shatter this spell which she appeared to be under?
One day turned into one week. We clung onto Pull-ups like our lives depended on it. I think we found it harder than she did. Mind you, she found wearing knickers a slight problem initially, but we seem to have gotten over that now, some 6 weeks after she threw her last nappy aside.
There are a few things I have encountered during this transition process, and I thought you’d like to hear my words of wisdom, or, er learn from my experience:
1. Kitchen Roll is your best friend
Never before had I loved some paper so much. I take it everywhere with me; it mops up accidental wees on restaurant floors, other people’s carpets and you can fashion a makeshift Pull-up pants from the really strong stuff.
2. 2.5 year olds speak loudly in toilets
My girl can’t help herself but comment on everything and everyone in the public toilets.
“Is that a lady?”
“You’ve got a YUCKY BUM Mummy!!!”
Have all been uttered from her mouth.
Nothing, however, NOTHING beats the time we went into a loo in a Pub, right after an older lady, who for reasons I can’t fathom, left the toilet in a less than cleanly state.
“ARGH! POO! MUMMY! SMELLY POOOO! THE LADY DID A POO!” she screams as we walk into the toilet stall, the only one currently available. She’s hopping from foot to foot, desperate for a wee.
“Just get on the toilet!” I hiss, trying to wrench her onto the seat whilst holding my breath and trying not to breath in through my nose.
“NOOOO! MUMMY! CLEAN IT!!!!!” She cries, and in my desperation to avoid her 5th pair of knickers in a day, I do what I never thought I ever, ever would.
I grabbed the loo brush and I cleaned that old woman’s poop from the toilet. For my girl.
“HOORAY!” She shouts and jumps on the toilet, only to do the smallest wee in the history of wees.
I silently cry inside and order a large glass of red as I walk back to the table…
3. Your hands will never be cleaner
See example above. Also wiping moving bums means wee and poo ON YOUR HANDS. I scrub and scrub. Antibacterial soap is a must. As is alcohol gel. Maybe some washing up gloves…
4. Trousers are OUT
Skirts, dresses = yes. Easy access to potty and toilet, no fussing, and when you’re out in public, you can whip off the wet stuff pretty easily. I feel sorry for those who have to wear trousers for any reason. In fact, when we are indoors, I aim for the heating on and minimal clothing, in an attempt to reduce the washing pile that I only just got under control from when she was born….
5. Repetitive Speech Strain
All I do every minute of every day is ask her if she needs a wee or a poo. It takes over your life. We have come full circle, from talking to each other about her wee and poo, when she was a newborn, to talking to her about her wee and poo. You ask and ask, and the time you forget to ask, is the time that they do need one and pee all over the floor….
6. Getting excited about wee and poo
You have to be mega interested in wee and poo, OK? When your child uses the potty, you have to summon up the enthusiasm and the energy to really WHOOP WHOOP and Holla! about the amazing feat they have performed. Even when it really smells and poo is hanging from their bum and they are running around your living room. Way to go!