thoughts and things

Tag: funny

Preparing for Baby Number 2: Then and Now

Oh how times do change between your first and second baby….. Purchases Then: Buy everything new. Shiny and new. Now: De-moulding the car seat that’s been sat in the garage for 3 years Baby Fashion Then: Buy a special ‘just been born’ outfit, as well […]

The Dance Class: A Parent’s Reality

The realities of taking a 3 year old to Dance Classes….. Last year I thought it was a great idea to sign Nancy up to dance lessons. It was one of those thoughts, where you think ‘it’s probably time I left the house and started […]

Pregnancy Perks and Pitfalls

There’s got to be some perks to this pregnancy lark….right?

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Pregnancy Perks

Not having to pay for the dentist

Being able to get out of anything by saying you’re pregnant

Being able to sit down on buses or stare at people intently rubbing your belly until they let you have their seat. Or give you a sandwich.

Having naps at work

Free prescriptions!

Being able to swim whatever time of the month

Not having to buy any tampons or sanitary towels! Take that VAT loving government!

Not having periods! For 9 months!

Just letting it all hang out. The freedom of not having to suck your stomach in.

If you’re a bit fat (like me) then you will get no annoying “are you pregnant” type questions as people are too afraid to ask

Wearing pyjamas all the time and no one telling you it’s wrong

Bring able to eat whatever you like! No Worrying about dieting….

Being able to fart whenever you like and that’s OK because you’re pregnant

Suddenly getting the energy to plan house redecoration, crafts, spring cleaning the house and pinteresting like a mo’fo

Crying at anything and everything but people don’t mind because you’re pregnant

Being able to get out of any kind of physical labour such as hoovering or lifting 3 year olds

Pregnancy pitfalls

Not being able to have any actual treatment at the dentist because you’re pregnant

Not being able to take Lemsip

Not actually being able to take some medication you can get for free

Not being able to reach and therefore manage your bikini line

uncontrollable flatulence

Forgetting to wake up after a nap

Not being able to eat all the nice cheese. And paté.

Not having any alcohol.

Discovering how you dance sober.

Knowing the mother of all periods will await you in 9 months time

Feeling so sick you can’t do anything you’ve planned

Getting stuck in the car, wedged between the steering wheel. And always beeping the horn when you try and get out.

People assuming you can’t do anything because you’re pregnant. Like run. Or have a bath.

As soon as you get pregnant, you suddenly get invites to parties, weddings, hen dos, holidays and every social event on the calender. Which you then have to attend. Sober.

Bearing in mind the last 12 months your social calender looked pretty empty….

Being the designated driver.

Thoughts on Pregnancy: Second Time Round

I had just come to the conclusion that one child was plenty enough thank you,  when I found out I was pregnant. My first thought was: oh shit. My second thought was: oh shit, I can’t drink anything now.  HOW AM I GOING TO COPE?! […]

Goodbye Granny Pants

When I was pregnant and I was told that I had to buy some massive pants for after the birth, I was half amazed and half disgusted that I had to buy some Granny Pants.  They looked bloody HUGE. I couldn’t find any to start […]

8 truths about nursery

For anyone not aquainted with a nursery, these 8 truths may help you to fit right in when your child starts….

1. You can never just ‘drop off’ your child….it takes at least 10 minutes and even then you have to crowbar your child off your leg

2. On that point, I break my neck to get there as close to opening time as possible, press the buzzer….and I wait and wait. Be prepated to wait for ages, holding a wrigging toddler and having to remember the password. “SOMEONE LET ME IN!” I want to scream in the frenzy of the morning chaos. I should’ve made that the password, thinking about it…

3. They will always, always get covered in mud, paint,water,  and have lasagne in their hair. There is absolutely no point in dressing up all pretty as they will be in spare clothes within about 10 minutes of arriving.

4. What do they eat? Who knows. If they ate half a veggie roast, what does that equate to exactly? She won’t eat salad without screaming blue murder at home, but you tell me she eats SECONDS? When they write ‘beef lasagne’ then cross that out and put ‘veggie lasagne’, what did she really eat, hmmm?

5. You will always get conned into buying their professional photos….yes I too said I wouldn’t ever bother but oh! the pressure. Oh and I always forget that it is photo day and it’s just pot luck if she’s wearing something suitable…

6. Keep all spare change for charity money that you will have to give to nursery as part of red nose day/children in need/hug a tree day etc.

7. Be prepared to empty your recycling bin and hand this over to nursery for various art and crafts projects. I buy Waitrose milk just so I can look good when I hand over the empty cartons.

8. Get ready to wow the nursery with your child’s fancy dress outfits. Book Day fills me with fear. Luckily this year she wasn’t well and so we didn’t have to do a bodge job with a bin bag and some tin foil. 

Stress eating – a poem

Costa Skinny Latte and a Full fat Muffin A fruity flapjack fits the Bill and I’m not bluffing a diet coke or two and a rich tea if it is there by the time the birthday cakes arrived I’m starting not to care you have […]

Questions I often ask myself now that I’m a Mum

Questions that go around and around in my head now that I’m a Mum. Can you add any to the list? Let me know!  How long can I leave her staring at that stranger sitting behind us before it gets uncomfortable?  Can they tell that […]

Toddlers: The Top 25 Rules

The top 25 rules of having a toddler, as observed by me. These are the things I just know are going to happen. Let me know what you think! 


Toddler Rules:

1. They will always fall asleep when you don’t want them to

2. They will always stay awake when you don’t want them to

3. They will always tip a summer fruits drink all over themselves just before you leave the house

4. They will always do the most disgusting poo ever just before you leave the house.

5. Or, they will always do a massive poo on the way to nursery, making it look like you didn’t change them before you left the house. Which you did. Twice. 

6. If there is a teeny tiny piece of crayon somewhere in the living room, they will find it, and use it. ON YOUR WALL. 

7. They will become obsessed with one song, one TV show, one type of food at a time 

8. They will always eat all the food at nursery even stuff they say they don’t like at home

9. They will always like the noisiest toys

10. If there is an opportunity to fall over and get covered in mud,  they will do it

11. If there’s a puddle, they will jump in it, wellies or no wellies

12. They will always like the weirdest, oddest sounding nursery rhyme on YouTube 

13. They will like random items and call them toys, such as a giant red plastic spade that has to be taken everywhere in case we find sand 

14. They will always rub snot on your cardigan. Always. 

15. They always remember. Everything. Don’t say anything within a 3 mile radius if you don’t want them to know about it.

16. They will always want your dinner, or lunch, or cake. 

17. They will always want your things. 

18. They will try and put your make up on. And eat your lipstick.

19. They will always want the toy that another child has.

20. They will expect you to fix things magically, like a book that has been torn to shreds or produce items at their request instantly

21. They will break stuff at other people’s houses. Or wee on their sofas

22. They will shout BOOBIES or other such body parts in public. 

23. They will ask for milk, then when you give them milk, they ask for orange juice. Like you should’ve known. 

24. They will always want to go on the ride outside of the supermarket, when you don’t have the correct change 

25. They will always want one more, of whatever it is.

Reasons Not To Go To Bed – Toddler vs. Mum

 Toddler: It’s already morning (it’s not) Need a drink without water  Need to read the zoo book Need to go downstairs Need to sing ‘Old McDonald Had a Farm’ Legs sore Thumbs sore Upsy Daisy needs to go downstairs   Need to eat my toast […]


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