Oh how times do change between your first and second baby….. Purchases Then: Buy everything new. Shiny and new. Now: De-moulding the car seat that’s been sat in the garage for 3 years Baby Fashion Then: Buy a special ‘just been born’ outfit, as well […]
There’s got to be some perks to this pregnancy lark….right?
Not having to pay for the dentist
Being able to get out of anything by saying you’re pregnant
Being able to sit down on buses or stare at people intently rubbing your belly until they let you have their seat. Or give you a sandwich.
Having naps at work
Being able to swim whatever time of the month
Not having to buy any tampons or sanitary towels! Take that VAT loving government!
Not having periods! For 9 months!
Just letting it all hang out. The freedom of not having to suck your stomach in.
If you’re a bit fat (like me) then you will get no annoying “are you pregnant” type questions as people are too afraid to ask
Wearing pyjamas all the time and no one telling you it’s wrong
Bring able to eat whatever you like! No Worrying about dieting….
Being able to fart whenever you like and that’s OK because you’re pregnant
Suddenly getting the energy to plan house redecoration, crafts, spring cleaning the house and pinteresting like a mo’fo
Crying at anything and everything but people don’t mind because you’re pregnant
Being able to get out of any kind of physical labour such as hoovering or lifting 3 year olds
Not being able to have any actual treatment at the dentist because you’re pregnant
Not being able to take Lemsip
Not actually being able to take some medication you can get for free
Not being able to reach and therefore manage your bikini line
Forgetting to wake up after a nap
Not being able to eat all the nice cheese. And paté.
Not having any alcohol.
Discovering how you dance sober.
Knowing the mother of all periods will await you in 9 months time
Feeling so sick you can’t do anything you’ve planned
Getting stuck in the car, wedged between the steering wheel. And always beeping the horn when you try and get out.
People assuming you can’t do anything because you’re pregnant. Like run. Or have a bath.
As soon as you get pregnant, you suddenly get invites to parties, weddings, hen dos, holidays and every social event on the calender. Which you then have to attend. Sober.
Bearing in mind the last 12 months your social calender looked pretty empty….
Being the designated driver.
For anyone not aquainted with a nursery, these 8 truths may help you to fit right in when your child starts….
1. You can never just ‘drop off’ your child….it takes at least 10 minutes and even then you have to crowbar your child off your leg
2. On that point, I break my neck to get there as close to opening time as possible, press the buzzer….and I wait and wait. Be prepated to wait for ages, holding a wrigging toddler and having to remember the password. “SOMEONE LET ME IN!” I want to scream in the frenzy of the morning chaos. I should’ve made that the password, thinking about it…
3. They will always, always get covered in mud, paint,water, and have lasagne in their hair. There is absolutely no point in dressing up all pretty as they will be in spare clothes within about 10 minutes of arriving.
4. What do they eat? Who knows. If they ate half a veggie roast, what does that equate to exactly? She won’t eat salad without screaming blue murder at home, but you tell me she eats SECONDS? When they write ‘beef lasagne’ then cross that out and put ‘veggie lasagne’, what did she really eat, hmmm?
5. You will always get conned into buying their professional photos….yes I too said I wouldn’t ever bother but oh! the pressure. Oh and I always forget that it is photo day and it’s just pot luck if she’s wearing something suitable…
6. Keep all spare change for charity money that you will have to give to nursery as part of red nose day/children in need/hug a tree day etc.
7. Be prepared to empty your recycling bin and hand this over to nursery for various art and crafts projects. I buy Waitrose milk just so I can look good when I hand over the empty cartons.
8. Get ready to wow the nursery with your child’s fancy dress outfits. Book Day fills me with fear. Luckily this year she wasn’t well and so we didn’t have to do a bodge job with a bin bag and some tin foil.
The top 25 rules of having a toddler, as observed by me. These are the things I just know are going to happen. Let me know what you think!
1. They will always fall asleep when you don’t want them to
2. They will always stay awake when you don’t want them to
3. They will always tip a summer fruits drink all over themselves just before you leave the house
4. They will always do the most disgusting poo ever just before you leave the house.
5. Or, they will always do a massive poo on the way to nursery, making it look like you didn’t change them before you left the house. Which you did. Twice.
6. If there is a teeny tiny piece of crayon somewhere in the living room, they will find it, and use it. ON YOUR WALL.
7. They will become obsessed with one song, one TV show, one type of food at a time
8. They will always eat all the food at nursery even stuff they say they don’t like at home
9. They will always like the noisiest toys
10. If there is an opportunity to fall over and get covered in mud, they will do it
11. If there’s a puddle, they will jump in it, wellies or no wellies
12. They will always like the weirdest, oddest sounding nursery rhyme on YouTube
13. They will like random items and call them toys, such as a giant red plastic spade that has to be taken everywhere in case we find sand
14. They will always rub snot on your cardigan. Always.
15. They always remember. Everything. Don’t say anything within a 3 mile radius if you don’t want them to know about it.
16. They will always want your dinner, or lunch, or cake.
17. They will always want your things.
18. They will try and put your make up on. And eat your lipstick.
19. They will always want the toy that another child has.
20. They will expect you to fix things magically, like a book that has been torn to shreds or produce items at their request instantly
21. They will break stuff at other people’s houses. Or wee on their sofas
22. They will shout BOOBIES or other such body parts in public.
23. They will ask for milk, then when you give them milk, they ask for orange juice. Like you should’ve known.
24. They will always want to go on the ride outside of the supermarket, when you don’t have the correct change
25. They will always want one more, of whatever it is.