Tag Archives: friendship

Wanted: Friends

image

Today is a bit of a low day.

I don’t get them often. But today is a low day.

Today is a day when I want to be able to pick up a phone and call a friend. Maybe meet for coffee, arrange to go to the cinema or have a girly night in.

I want to feel a part of something.

But I’m not. 

I’ve always struggled with friends.  I find it so hard to push myself. And even when I have friends, I can be terribly flaky and some times I just can’t bear to do what I’ve arranged to do. I don’t blame people moving on and not keeping touch.

Is this being an introvert? Social anxiety?

I wish I could be the person I think I could be.

I am more aware now than ever that I need some friends. Depression and feeling crap due to pregnancy plus the  grief of my Dad meant I hadn’t really thought about it until now. But now I’m ready to be a friend. Hopefully a better friend than I have been these past 18 months.

So today I’ve reached out to people I’ve lost contact with, or who I’ve  not made much of an effort with. And if you may be reading this, I’m sorry about that.

I’m looking for groups to go to. I’m talking and messaging and trying to make some links again, on and offline.

I’m being practive, not wallowing in my low mood but pushing myself to do something about it. I think that’s progress really.

So I’m feeling low. But I’m also feeling strangely positive.  Because I’m Making today the first day in my plan to get myself back on track.

Friends

I am not very good at making friends. I have written about this before, about mummy groups. But this time I am talking about friends. I always wanted to have a group of friends like…er…Friends, but it just seems that I am not cut out for that sort of thing.

It didn’t help that throughout my life, I moved a lot, and so lost touch with a lot of people who were good friends. It doesn’t help I moved away from Nottingham, and that most of my friends still live Up North.

It is hard to make friends when you are older. Especially if you are like me. Especially when you work with nearly all people 20 years older than you. I am quiet, I am shy, but if you get to know me, I am nothing like that. I am funny, and have a great sense of humour. I am very good at giving advice, chatting, cheering people up. I will always be there for people. If I connect with someone, then it works. If I don’t, I don’t. I can’t be bothered with people who aren’t on my wavelength. I guess I am a little picky about Friends.

I should have known really, not to try to organise a party, as I had to invite so many people, people who probably not my bestest friends, but people I do get along with. I should not organise parties, I am great at attending events and parties, but organising my own, I should never try to do. It just causes me great anxiety, and stress, and I never enjoy it anyway. But I am 30 and so I thought I would make an exception.

My friends are precious to me, and when I see them, its like we take off from where we last met. It’s not awkward, its great, we can talk, chat and its like we live so close we’re popping in for a cuppa. I wish so much I still lived up north. But I doubt I’ll ever move up there now. I understand my friends have lives up there, as I do down here, and that driving hundreds of miles for a party is expensive and not always possible. I understand that I value their friendship so much as I have so few friends here, and that for them, I am just one of many friends they have. But I can’t help but feel down when they say they can’t come.

There are people I met through work, who I thought were friends, but it doesn’t seem that way, although a few people have been lovely and stay in touch. I just feel deflated, I try so hard to be liked, to be friendly, I just wish I could meet people like me. People who want to spend time with me. Why Can’t I find anyone?

I am an introvert, and I am a total nerd. I love my computer, and I love the people I have met on twitter. When I went to Britmums, I didn’t feel like what I have described above. I met people like me. Who understood me. Who laughed like me. I have met some people since then as well, as I think we have got on really well. No pretence. And everyone online who answers my silly tweets, helps me boil an egg, I value you all. because you are all friends to me.

In real life, I tried to organise a party for my 30th. Under a quarter of the people I invited got back to me. A pathetic amount. But those people who got back to me, include people I met on here. People who are making a lot of effort to come and see me. More effort than people I have known a lot longer, in Real Life. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few people in real life who have also made a big effort.

I am no good at making friends, and this party was the first one I’d ever have as I have never had one before. But even now, 30 years old, I can’t fill a room.

I don’t know what this post is about, other than a little rant for me, but I guess what I am saying is, thank you. I appreciate everyone reading this, and everyone who interacts with me regularly. I may be a big fat saddo, but it seems I have more friends ‘virtually’ than I have for real. Although I like to think these friendships are real.

I know what the meaning of this post is! I’d rather have a handful of brilliant friends than a room full of people who didn’t really want to be there. So thank you everyone who got back to me, because I know now who my friends are. And we will have a fab time on Saturday I am sure. Or rather, I’ll be too drunk to care by then.

20130919-215750.jpg