Tag Archives: feelings

Depression

There are many posts that I have written over the past few months, that I never published. Since October, life got pretty shit. I was diagnosed with depression, my Dad died and well, it was awful. This post was written in October 2015. These were my thoughts when I was diagnosed with depression. 

Depression

I can laugh. I can smile. 
I’m not a zombie.

I’m not suicidal. 

I am, apparently, depressed. 

Anxious. 

I had to take time out.

Time out from what?

Everything.

There’s just not enough time for anything 

Not enough time for me.

Time is probably the reason. 

Time is running out and I have no way of stopping it. 

It’s a summer and autumn of lasts, not firsts.

So many endings. 

Saying goodbye all the time is very hard. 

I can forget, for a while.

I have made the most of the time we have left.

But I am so tired, and strained.

Restless.

I am not how I thought someone depressed is. Should be. 

If I don’t think, I am OK.

Depression is hard.

Many days, I am OK. if I don’t have to do anything, I’m OK.

but pressure,expectation, appointments, or a comment, or a look

Can have my stomach churn and the panic sets in and I am back to square one.

I probably don’t look that unwell on the outside.

But it’s all on the inside.

I’m not hyperventilating, but I am panicking. 

I can’t think of anything else. Round and round and round my head.

Small, insignificant things like a comment on a birthday card. 

I am tired. I am wired. I can’t rest. I can’t stop.

Feeling Grateful

There are so many things to be grateful for.

Sometimes I have to stop and think about these things when I am feeling a little down. 

When I wish life were a little bit different.

When things don’t pan out the way I want them to.

When I wish it was me, but it isn’t. 

When I feel overwhelmed with work and being a Mum.

I have to remember that I have a pretty good life. 

I don’t want for much. I have a loving family, partner, daughter.

I have my health. I am generally in good health, although I do need to lose weight. 

I can go out when I want, I buy myself nice things.

I don’t have to worry about debt. 

I have a roof over my head, my own home. 

I am loved. 

I have so many positives in my life, I need to make sure that any negatives do not outweigh this, or take over my thoughts.

Many negatives are just in my own mind. I need to flip these thoughts and turn the negativity into some positive energy. 

I have really enjoyed reading and taking part in Embrace Happy with Karin and writing down my #3goodthings every day. 

Karin has written about appreciating little moments this week and this is something I am trying to do. 

One example of this was this weekend. Nancy and I were at home, and we put Winnie the Pooh on Netflix. Nancy had never seen it before,many she was mesmerised by the cartoon. As we watched, she hugged me and put her cheek next to mine, asking me questions about the characters as we watched. It was such a lovely, little perfect moment. 

I also read Katie Piper’s Book Start Your Day with Katie each morning. Having the thought in my head as I leave the house does help me get into a better frame of mind. 

Walking more, getting more active and eating healthier definitely helps me to feel more positive too. 

When things get tough for me, or stressful, I have to remember that my troubles are nothing compared to some people living out there. I need to keep in mind the here and now, and enjoy the here and now, letting go of the little niggles and embracing my life as it is. My life now, as it is, is good.  And even if this is the best it gets, this is good, it is better than good. 

I need to feel thankful, and grateful for my lot. And I am. 

Remembering

It’s a funny thing, your belongings. Some are practical, and therefore are needed, whereas others are not really that useful at all. So why do we keep all this stuff?

My sister was going through some old CDs the other day, and sending them off to get some money. It reminded me of the time I threw away all my old music cassettes.

I remember it well. It was in 2006. I had a pile of belongings and I was routing through them all. I was essentially homeless and needed to reduce my belongings by about two thirds. I knew, at the time, as I poured plastic rectangular cases from a dusty silver box and into the black bin bag, that I would regret doing so. I don’t think I’d listened to any of the cassettes for years, seeing as my cd player at the time seemed to chew them up and spit them out like a crazy robot.

But it was the memories, the thoughts that were almost recorded into that brown tape. The people I had been with, where I had bought them, why I had bought them. The songs were ones which took me back to events, and people, and reminded me of my terrible taste in music as a ten year old (Wet, Wet, Wet? Shampoo?). I even had a few tapes which I’d recorded myself, carefully waiting by the radio to cut off the talking bits. Recordings of me and sisters radio shows too.

Could I have kept a few? I guess. But what was the point? I’d never listen to them again. As if to prove my point, I no longer even own a product that you could put a cassette into. These tapes, these memories would just sit around in a box, gathering dust, lying dormant.

I chucked lots of other stuff out that day, but I can’t really remember what it was. That stuff is lost to the abyss of time, and if any memories were worth keeping, they should be stored away in my head, not in a box. I regret throwing the tapes away, when I think back to that moment. But you know, I don’t think I really do in reality.

Same with these baby clothes and toys. Harbouring these things, coveting every item. I’ve already sold a few on eBay. Yes, I may keep a few, but do I need to keep everything? keeping things doesn’t mean you remember things any better. I remember reading something (possibly Alex Garland’s The Beach) where it said the person doesn’t take photos as it distorts the memory. I kind of like that idea, which is ironic really being a blogger.

You know I really need to have a clear out sometime soon, cupboards, and boxes, and minds.