Tag Archives: diary

Autumn Days – September Tealady Update 

The year has flown by. I can’t believe we are back here in October again.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about October; it was a year ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I had to take time off from work, due to many issues including my Dad’s illness. Memories of this time last year, many journeys up and down the M5, watching my Dad slowly get weaker. 
I’ve been crying a lot recently. Not in a depressed way. A release.  I didn’t cry about my Dad much before now. I think I kept it in, held it all together to get through the pregnancy and supporting everyone else. It seems now I have time to process and let go of these feelings. I miss him. I miss his humour and his facial expressions.  I miss talking to him about DIY, my work and gardening. I miss gossiping with him about my mum and sisters, us both being the ones who sorted them out. I think he’d be pleased with what I’ve done with the garden this year – I’ve tried really hard with some help from Dan’s Mum. And nothing seems to have died yet. I chose a hollyhock as my dad loved to grow them – I think he’d be impressed with mine although would tell me I should’ve staked them out a bit sooner. 

5 and a half weeks in and I’ve started to settle into maternity leave and being a mum of two.  I won’t lie – initially I really felt I’d made a terrible mistake. It was hard. But now we’re all getting used to our new normal and we all seem fairly happy.  Nancy has been so good and understanding. She’s had her moments but she has been entitled to; after 3.5 years her world was changed rather dramatically!  We’ve only had one mention of putting Erin in the bin….

I’m taking a slower approach to life; enjoying time outside and exploring the area and enjoying each moment. I want to think about my friends and family more, create memories and just ‘live’.

I’m also really enjoying my crochet at the moment and have set up a Facebook page and instagram  (tealady_crochet). I am really loving this new crafty and creative side of me; it’s really excited me and invigorated me. I will blog about that in a bit too. I probably have bought too much yarn though….

So that’s me at the moment. My aim is to blog a monthly update and will blog bits inbetween. Even if no one else reads it, it’s cathartic for me!  
Emily x 

Depression

There are many posts that I have written over the past few months, that I never published. Since October, life got pretty shit. I was diagnosed with depression, my Dad died and well, it was awful. This post was written in October 2015. These were my thoughts when I was diagnosed with depression. 

Depression

I can laugh. I can smile. 
I’m not a zombie.

I’m not suicidal. 

I am, apparently, depressed. 

Anxious. 

I had to take time out.

Time out from what?

Everything.

There’s just not enough time for anything 

Not enough time for me.

Time is probably the reason. 

Time is running out and I have no way of stopping it. 

It’s a summer and autumn of lasts, not firsts.

So many endings. 

Saying goodbye all the time is very hard. 

I can forget, for a while.

I have made the most of the time we have left.

But I am so tired, and strained.

Restless.

I am not how I thought someone depressed is. Should be. 

If I don’t think, I am OK.

Depression is hard.

Many days, I am OK. if I don’t have to do anything, I’m OK.

but pressure,expectation, appointments, or a comment, or a look

Can have my stomach churn and the panic sets in and I am back to square one.

I probably don’t look that unwell on the outside.

But it’s all on the inside.

I’m not hyperventilating, but I am panicking. 

I can’t think of anything else. Round and round and round my head.

Small, insignificant things like a comment on a birthday card. 

I am tired. I am wired. I can’t rest. I can’t stop.

My Week

My Week

So this week has been mostly occupied with work and seeing my Dad. He was admitted this week due to dehydration and side effects of the chemotherapy. He had started some palliative chemo to give him some extra time, but has spent the last two weeks in quite a bad way. This wasn’t made better by being admitted to hospital. Short staffed, lack of information and not getting his meds in time hasn’t been great. He’s still in hospital, and next week will decide where he goes from here in terms of treatment.

It’s been very tiring driving to and from their home and the hospital over the past week. Last weekend was lovely, my grandad and other family came to visit my Mum and Dad and we all went to Lyme Regis for chips. It was a really warm day, and the beach was packed. It wasn’t the best day to be there, but it was another memory to store away. I prefer Lyme Regis in the autumn or winter, a little desolate, empty and enough space to breathe.  There’s something about being by the beach, the sea and the smells and sounds of the waves that is really peaceful to me.

Nancy has been so good this week. We have had a few nightmare weeks recently what with chicken pox and potty training as well as a cough and cold to contend with. Chicken Pox was awful, she did cope well but a whole week of being stuck in the house nearly did us in. We were being woken up several times a night, held to ransom with shouts and demands of milk, and a real preference for mummy which was very difficult., as I wasn’t feeling so great myself.

She is more or less potty trained now. It has taken a long time for her to get used to wearing pants but she will wear them now, and accidents are getting few and far between. I am so proud of her, she has coped with this very well. She has also moved up to the bigger group at nursery now, which she was a little hesitant to go to at first, but now she loves it and is really coming on leaps and bounds now.

I’ve changed jobs at work, which was a much needed change and this has made my working life a little easier, and also more interesting as I am getting my head around new ways of working. My new job foccuses on supporting people with a learning disability who have behaviours that challenge. It’s really interesting so far. It has been a good distraction for me recently what with everything else going on.

My sister has now moved out of my house, after living with me for a year. It has been a year of highs and lows, mainly highs though. It wasn”t as bad as I thought it could be, and I know that we will miss her, but she is moving into a lovely house with her boyfriend. They are expecting a baby in January, so she really needed to leave my house. I can’t say I wasn’t panicking for a moment there that she’d be giving birth in my house, but now she’s gone and a new chapter in her life begins. She’s only 7 mins away from me by car so I am sure I will be seeing her often…..

I am trying to scehdule my time better, to make time for all the things I want to do, such as blog, read my books, have baths, watch TV shows, and some fitness too. I am looking at what free time I have, and am going to be more productive with it. Since starting Thinking Slimmer I am being more efficient in getting jobs done, and now I want to focus on getting some ‘me’ time slotted in. I read an article that successful entrepenuers timetable everything in their life, to make sure it gets done, so I am hoping to do a similar approach. I will let you know if I ever manage to do it!

I haven’t been eating as well this week, which I am a little disappointed about. It’s been hard as I’ve been driving up and down, and as a consequence I have felt very tired and not very creative food wise. I am still making better choices than I did before, but I have been aiming to eat as ‘clean’ as I can, and this week I feel a little sluggish as I have let that slip a bit. The best thing about the slimpod approach is that I don’t feel bad or guilty about this, I accept that this week has been hard and I have done what I can – I have written about my slimpod experience and I have lost 6lbs in a month which I am so happy about. It just makes me realise what foods are good for me, and make me feel better. I am trying my best to get organised this week so that I don’t fall into any old habits. I still haven’t eaten any chocolate or sweets, which I am very pleased with. Snacking has stopped altogether.

Anyway, this is my week. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about it!

Emily x

My Week on Wednesday

Well, this week seems to have crept up on me a lot quicker! Still not much going on with the blog, apologies about that. I am trying to work out what I want to write about. When Inspiration hits, I will be blogging away. I think August, a time of holidays and general slowness at work, and well, everywhere, I just feel its harder to start anything new. I like September, I like the feel of autumn and that ‘starting again’ feeling you get, which probably harks back to school days. Anyway, I blather on. Here’s what happened this week:

Me

I had a lovely weekend, when my partner was off work, and we managed to sort the house out and clean everything, put everything away, and get a few jobs done. We cleared the spare bedroom for my sister’s arrival (which will be this weekend), and also ready for his Sister who was staying overnight. We had a lovely evening, with a chinese takeaway and watching a film. Oh, and some red wine. Sunday, we all went for an adventure drive and found a pub to have a Sunday Roast. It was such a nice feeling to know my house was lovely and clean, things sorted and put away, it really helped me to relax and enjoy time with my family.

My phone is almost broken, and currently only works if its plugged in, and then that’s only if you’re lucky. Not taking a phone with me wherever I am, has been liberating. I am not checking my phone all the time, writing status updates, or even taking photos. My memories all all in my head. I like not having a phone, so much I am wondering if I really want to get another one – or maybe just buy a very basic phone with no social media. We can get snowed under by it, blogs are one thing but trying to keep up to date across twitter, facebook, etc etc – it takes over your life. I am glad that I have had this opportunity to change the way I had been doing things. I enjoy it all much more now I am not constantly on there.

Books

Slow week, and it’s just seemed to go crazy fast. I have felt really tired this last week so reading has taken a little back burner. I am about half way through The Stolen Girl by Renita D’Silva and it’s still good. The tension and suspense are reeling me in. I want to know answers but yet I don’t as it would mean the book would finish!

I also managed to pick up ‘How to be a Woman’ by Caitlin Moran for a bargain 50p at work, in a charity book sale. I love it when you see a book you have been looking for, half hidden amongst the piles of other books. It’s so exciting! I am hoping I can start reading this book when I am on holiday (I have a lot of high hopes about reading loads of books this holiday – you never know!)

Motherhood

Bubs has turned 18 months old this week. It’s pretty crazy if I think about it too much. I can’t believe a year and a half has gone by with her with us. She is just so amazing, and talking so much. She says ‘All gone!” “it’s gone”, “more please” “sleep” and just so many other little words. I can’t believe that soon she will be talking like you and me, it just feels so strange. She is also very accurately telling me when she needs her nappy changing – I am not ready to start potty training just yet, and I doubt she is, but it seems to be lurking on the horizon.

Bubs’ temper has calmed a little this week, she is screaming less and more now when she is just very excited. She will sit in the trolley now with some prompting from us, and seems to enjoy having a treat (a bag of dried fruit wriggly worms) once we have finished. She is also eating much better, and using her spoon and fork more. I have found she eats better if I sort of not make a big deal of dinner or of what she has on her plate, I put it down and just let her get on with working out what it is. She also enjoys eating things she thinks is mine, so I have used this a few times when she has refused to eat. She is obsessed with chocolate, no idea why as we hardly have any in the house, and don’t tend to eat it if we do in front of her, but there has been time over the last few weeks where she has demanded chocolate!

I have also started giving Bubs warm milk before bed. She used to just have cold cow’s milk, but warming it up seems to go down much better. She likes to read a story and then will go up to bed. She is taking less time to fall asleep then she was, and that’s good as we used to have lots of screaming and shouting before she finally went to sleep. So here’s hoping that continues.

Tea

Found my Gromit mug which I was very pleased about. No new adventures in tea this week.