Tag Archives: being myself

Finding Mummy


I feel more like myself now than I ever have. Before I had Nancy,  I worried that I would lose myself, but to be honest I feel like by having Nancy, I found myself.

I feel more confident, more sure of my decisions and I am not afraid to express them. I think the first initial months with Nancy taught me that no-one has the “right” answer and that you need to go with your own gut instinct.

I like how I look like now. Yes I could lose a few pounds but I actually like what I wear and I’m confident in what I choose to wear. I wear the make-up I want to, and when I wear lipstick,  I don’t feel stupid.

I’m starting to explore hobbies, interests, things that I can learn and grow and develop. Things I never did before. What did I used to do before? I had so much time yet I never did anything remotely satisfying with it. Now I’m crocheting, reading, gardening. I’m getting interested in politics and I’m interested in learning sewing, knitting and whatever else pops into my head.

And now, things are going to change. I’m pregnant and due in August. Now the ground will shift and we have to adjust to “normal” again.

Will I have to find myself again?

Maybe it won’t be as bad this time. Things won’t change as much, but things will shift. Being a mother to 2 will be different to 1. I will have to devote myself to another for as long as needed. I will have to forgo sleep and put my life on hold.

A part of me doesn’t want to do that. A part of me wants to just be me. The me I have found these past 3 years.

But this time, I will be in control. I will know what to expect. I don’t have to let go so much. I am looking forward to this time, I really am. Focusing on my family, a baby to love and be a sibling for Nancy. Completing my family and just taking time out to live in that delicious postnatal bubble.

The unknown is worrying, unsettling. But I have to see the positive in this situation and remember that I am stronger, more confident and more sure of myself than I ever have been in my life so far. Right now.

This baby is lucky in many ways because I know who I am now. Me and Nancy had to work that out together. We had to figure out what it was that made me a mother. It was tough, but what a journey we’ve had, and are still having and I’m looking forward to sharing that with someone else too.

Just being me

Life has settled. Things feel normal. Calm has (sort of) been restored. My life as it was in 2012 when I found out I was pregnant, is no more. In fact as I wrote last week, I can’t even remember what that life was like.

So, the last 21 months I have been on a journey. Half the time I wouldn’t be able to tell you who I was or what I was thinking. But I have felt recently I have come to a plateau; things are becoming routine and so that means I am working out who I am now. That may sound a bit cringey and clichéd. Of course I am still me. But for a while I felt like I was on pause. I am me with added space in my brain for all the baby information.

I feel like I can manage at work (well, just about) and when I’m at home we have a nice routine to the day. I am not on edge or anxious at home now. I am happy being with Bubs and we have a good time. Most days I am not longing for bed time (I said most).

Work is stressful at times but at least I can remember my work phone number and computer passwords.

I have even started to think about my appearance. Yes I’ve been looking at confidence clothes for a while but I mean body maintenance. I’m trying to keep my nails nice and I’ve painted my nails a bit more often. I’ve been remembering to use moisturizer even. Hell, I even shaved my underarms yesterday. Little things I did before without thinking I’m starting to reincorporate into my life. I’ve even started wearing my contacts again which I actually put on hold for 6 months as I wasn’t wearing them.

I can get out of the house (alone) at times and I am reading books and blogs a lot more. I feel I can fit in a bit more of things I like to do. Maybe my time management skills have been improved.

This is my normal now. Yes Bubs will change but this person who I am now, this will be my baseline from now on. I feel I have come to terms with life and my situation. It’s taken some getting used to as well. I feel like my brain and my body have clicked back together. I feel positive about this year and what me Bubs and her dad can do and experience. I have a lot of good things to look forward to this year and at the moment I feel positive about where I am heading.

I just feel like me. I am just being me, and that’s it. And I feel good.