Plus Size for Beginners

If you’re new to Plus-Size, or just wondered what was within the flowery section at the back of the shop with this name, then this very much tongue-in-cheek guide is for you.

1. The plus-size department is seperated from the ‘normal’ clothes, usually at the top floor right at the back, segregated like it’s some sort of infectious disease.

2. You will be able to spot the Plus Size department as all the clothes are significantly bigger than the rest of the shop, clothes billowing from the racks like sails on a boat.

3. People who wear Plus Size clothes, they love slogans. They love slogans like ‘Love Yourself’ or ‘BE HAPPY” or “Life’s for Living!” emblazoned across the front.

4. Because all fat people are happy, jolly people. Our role model is Father Christmas.

5. People who wear plus size clothes, they love flowers. They wear clothes covered in ditsy prints. It’s like a plus size uniform. Any flower will do, just make sure they cover 85% of the top or trousers you are wearing. It’s like camoflage.

6. People who wear plus size love bright colours. The brighter, the better. Even better if you put multiple bright and clashing colours onto the same piece of clothing.

7. People who wear plus size must wear different clothing to the rest of the shop. You can’t get ‘normal’ clothes in the plus size, oh no. The ‘normal’ size only goes up so far and after that, you have to wear the special clothes.

8. People who wear plus size must wear an item of clothing with elastic in. It’s the law.

9. People who wear plus size have to wear wrap dresses and tunics and leggings, at least once a week.

10. People who wear plus size all have very wide feet, so need shoes that are as wide as 2 normal people’s feet.

11. Oh, and people who wear plus size love shoes, because we can buy any fecking shoe we want. Unless our feet are too wide, but we may buy them anyway just to stroke gently.

12. People who wear plus size have huge boobs. Boobs so big they can’t fit into anything but massive boulder-holding industrial strength old granny looking bras. Every single plus size person can barely stand up due to the weight of their boobage.

13. You are either in the plus size, petite or tall section of a shop. You can not ever be a combination of these things.

14. If a plus size person tries to wear skinny jeans, she will spontaneously combust.

 

27 thoughts on “Plus Size for Beginners

  1. nipperandtyke

    Chuckling away to this 🙂 I will add that if you ever consider asking for an Item of clothing in a 16, a size which is allegedly available in the ‘normal’ bit, you will be directed to the maternity section. Grrrrr

    Reply
  2. The Pie Patch

    I’ve spent approximately 25.4% of my life in Plus Size sections of clothes shops. I say ‘sections’. Obviously I mean the two rails of potato sacks they jammed in next to the normal people’s accessories.

    Reply
  3. Jade Pirard

    Emily I love you. Where have you been all my life? What is this strange plus size area you speak of? 🙂 why can’t shops just have sized 6 to 26 available on every design?

    P.s Father Christmas rocks that ruby jumpsuit!

    Reply
  4. Zara (Mojo Blogs) (@Mojoblogs)

    We have clearly been to the same shops! I love wearing shapeless fluorescent orange tops, plastered in silver slogans & paired up with my strange static fabric maxi skirt – said no one ever. I laughed all the way through. My life for the last 4 years!
    Amazing post.

    Reply
  5. Dawn

    This made me lol!! I have plus size feet – size 8s. I’m also treated as a bit of a leper – there are no pretty shoes for my gigantic muckle feet!! x

    Reply
  6. Imogene

    I genuinely laughed so much! It’s so true.. I’m an 18 so I’m in that weird bit where you can occasionally get ‘normal’ clothes but mainly plus size. It’s frustrating because I don’t have big boobs or a bum much at all, just belly as I’m an apple shape, so everything always looks massive on me when it’s to fit round tum… maybe I’ll just stick to maternity? Haha!

    Reply
      1. Imogene

        I’ve 2 boys so it could well pass as if I’m expecting #3 but it’s so embarrassing to be asked when you’re expecting because tum seems to like to stick out far more than necessary 🙁 x

        Reply
  7. Eleanor

    I love it when you accidentally buy something from the maternity section. That’s been happening to me since I was 16!

    Reply
  8. hannah mum's days

    Love this and I’ve been chuckling through all the comments too – you had me at the shoe bit though, so funny!

    Thanks for linking up to #TheList xx

    Reply

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