thoughts and things

Near or Far, Wherever You Are, Mum

I’ve spent most of my life trying to get away from my Mum, my Dad. Getting away from my family. Is it something innate that makes us want to break away when we are young, to repel what we have been brought up with, with what we know. Is it something that eventually goes full circle?

I have spent a lot of the last 10 years away from my close family. A lot of time just speaking on the phone, seeing them when I can, but usually not very often. I’ve spent a lot of time being selfish, finding myself, being drunk, hungover, changing plans at the last minute. I’ve been at university, I’ve been working, I’ve been making my life. I know my parents are very proud of what I have achieved. I have enjoyed what I have done.

My parents annoy me. They give me advice I don’t want, or just make me cringe with what they say or do. I don’t always agree with decisions they make. I have to hassle them to look after themselves, and I have been disappointed with things they have done. Yet at the same time, they make me smile laugh, I enjoy their company and I know they love me. When I really need them, they are there for me. I don’t live near my mum and dad, but not really by choice. My parents moved around in my childhood and now live in a house that I have no connection with. I’ve never really felt like I needed to be near them. I was quite happy being over an hour away from them. It was a good arrangement for me.

Recently, however, I feel I have wasted a lot of time. I wish I was near my mum. I worry that if anything happens, or they need me, I am too far away from them. I worry that Bubs won’t know them as well as she might if we lived closer. I know my Mums not that far away, but I wish I could pop in for a cup of tea, a quick chat. I wish she was near me to see the baby, to babysit at a moments notice. I wish I could be there, in an instant, when she needs some help or a shoulder to cry on.

I feel a sense of panic rising. I feel scared, and vulnerable. For the first time, in a long time, I feel I need my Mum.

That home bird instinct has kicked in a last. Do we all suddenly feel this way? I never thought I would. I am very independent, and my parents can irritate me. I know if I did live nearer, I’d probably be writing the opposite. At the moment though, I wish so much I could be there for my mum, without having to drive for an hour. Because that hour can be a very long time indeed, sometimes.

I just want to make sure that I spend as much time with my Mum as I can, because I feel I’ve wasted so much time already.



3 thoughts on “Near or Far, Wherever You Are, Mum”

  • I understand this so much. I honestly think it is something to do with becoming a Mum yourself, you then find you feel a yearning to be brought closer to family. Having Harry re-ignited my grief over my Mum’s untimely death (of course it was always there, the grief just changed) and it was what made me want to move up to Bristol as soon as the opportunity (my redundancy of which I was told I was at risk at whilst on Maternity Leave) arose.

    xx

  • I kind of get this. I used to be happy country-hopping but for fun though and not to get away from my parents. Since the boys were born though, I just want to go home and be close to family and friends. I guess it’s having a sense of support at hand even if you don’t want to draw on it. It’s reassuring and makes you braver.

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