thoughts and things

Losing My Identity?

One thing I am rather concerned about is losing my identity as a person, once Ive had the baby. I suspect if anyone is reading this who has had a baby, will be laughing at that statement right now.

As things draw nearer to the due date, an overwhelming feeling of unsettlment and fear is coming over me. How much of the ‘me’ I now know, will be there once the baby has been born and sleep deprivation has destroyed many of my brain cells?

I am also wondering how I will be as a ‘Mum’, Just referring myself as a Mum at the moment makes me feel a bit awkward. I don’t ‘feel’ like a Mum. What does a Mum feel like anyway?

Another thought of mine is that I dont really want to be like my own mother. I wonder if everyone says that?! Is it part of nature that you metamorhasise into your own mother?!

There are parts of ,my Mum I of course want to be like. I love my Mum but I dont neccessarily agree with everything she has done to bring me up as well as my siblings. I know we all make mistakes but surely there are things we can take from our upbringing and make concious decisions about how we want to bring up our children in comparison to how we were brought up?

A lot of my friends don’t live near me and so I am also aware I need to make a big effort to start making friends which are baby related. Living in bristol I know a lot of people but havent really found a group of friends like myself, work doesnt help as I work with mainly people over the age of 40 which never really meant wild nights out.

I appear to and I can be rather critical, and I have quite a dark sense of humour which sometimes people just don’t ‘get’. I love having a laugh and I enjoy a glass of wine and a boogey once and a while. I just hope that I can keep myself and extend myself as a Mum rather than turn myself into a totally different person. And I hope this means that as a Mum I get to make ‘mum’ friends who are also like me.

People don’t really talk about what it feels like to be a Mum and how it changes you as a person, as your identity changes. At this moment in time I can’t comprehend how this baby will make me feel, how it will change me, and I suspect all this other stuff will fade into significance. But as long as I can try and hold on to the essence of me, I’m hoping that it will be OK.

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