thoughts and things

I hated my birth….how birth affected my bond with my daughter

A friend of mine has recently given birth. I am so happy for them, I really am. But everytime I think about them, and their birth, I feel sad inside. Everytime I see a TV program advertised about birth, I switch over. I hated my birth.

I can’t think happy thoughts about my birth. I hated my birth, I hated that day, that I now need to celebrate every year, as it it my girl’s birthday. That day was not how I thought it would be, I was prepared for my expectations to not be met but this fell way below that. It’s getting easier the further away I am from that date.

I feel so many mixed emotions about birth and the whole experience I recieved. It effected the way I felt about being a Mum, and my baby, for several months. I find it hard when people ask me about my birth, especially my pregnant friends, I have to tell them my experience was not something I can share as I don’t want to upset them.

I know a lot of people have bad experiences, much worse than mine. But this is how I feel, I can’t help that my experience has left me feeling blank, cold, empty about birth.

I feel I have only just got to know my baby, and now I will have to leave her in 2 months to go to work. That hurts and makes me reflect on it all again. Precious time wasted.

I didnt ‘feel’ anything when I gave birth. I had no rush of emotion, no rush of hormones. I was pleased, of course. But I didn’t even cry. I looked at her in her crib for hours, I looked at her and I felt, I wanted to feel, something.

It took several weeks for me to feel anything like what people say you feel when you give birth.

I hated everything that happened to me. I hated all the issues I had with breastfeeding, the guilt I felt at bottle feeding, the guilt I felt at stopping breastfeeding, the regret I feel now that I stopped (even though at that point it was really stopping itself).

I wanted to feel that bond, that connection. I feel so jealous of other people’s births, and when other people talk about how lovely it was and how they felt.

I don’t mean them ill, I am glad for them, but it just reminds me of how I feel about it all.

I am now jealous if people spend time with Bubs, I worry she likes or loves them more than me. Although I do have a bond with her now, and I love her dearly, and we get on really well now, I am nervous about it, I am nervous about how she feels about me.

Does that sound silly? Or crazy?

Writing this, it sounds like I am on a downhill slide into some sort of depression, but that’s not it. I am OK, in the here and now, I am happy, and I am so pleased with how me and her have done these last 6 and a half months. It’s just when I look back, I feel so angry, sad, regretful, guilty, emotional – I don’t think I can describe it. It just makes me feel overwhelmingly sad.

If I had another child, I would worry not only about the birth, but what if next time, it either all happens again, or what if I feel these things? Will that be more than what I feel for Bubs? My rational head says no. But thoughts just pop into my head sometimes.

I know some twitter friends have suggested contacting the hospital, to discuss my birth, look at my notes, and to contact services for support. I am thinking about this, as I think it may be that I need closure. It’s a wound that I am picking, I know. I don’t mean to sound like a self-pitying misery guts. I just wanted to write this post as I know a few other people felt like me. I want to tell you, if you are reading this, and feel like I do, you are not alone.

And if you are in the midst of it, I am on the other side. Yes I feel bad about it but it doesn’t take over every thought of every day. 6 months on, I feel so much better, and a lot of it is down to Bubs. It is going to break my heart to leave her, as I feel I have only just got to know her, and I feel I wasted 3 months at the start. But it does get better and you can feel a bond, and a connection, to your baby. It will come eventually. And writing things like this, and reflecting on my experience really does help to start the healing and moving on. But I will always say I hated my birth, and that sucks.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “I hated my birth….how birth affected my bond with my daughter”

  • this really hit home with me, when i read the title i didnt even want to read this post, as i too had a horrific time 8 months ago, its taken me 8months to get to the point where i now don’t cry when speaking about it, but i too avoid talking about it and try not to think about it. I had people same the same to me about getting my notes etc and speaking to hosiptal. I got my notes it made it worse vast amounts of info had been left out all together to keep the midwifes from looking in the wrong, I actually had to put in a complaint which is a long painful drawn out process and although i got an apology and the midwifes involved are now under supervision aand on report etc it didnt really help me it made me feel worse having to rely my details again and again. As for worrying about the next birth i know alot of people are anti-c-section but for me i have discussed with my docs that if i had to possibly go through even a quarter of what i did before that would be the end of me emotionally and physically and would ruin any future pregnancies as the stress and worry would be too much and theyve agreed under no circumstance should i have too. knowing i wont have to go through it ever again has helped me, this might help you too? I was very lucky to have been able to completly distance my little girl from that experience but i was dignosised as having birth trauma which many docs dont understand is not the same a pnd, i have no issues with lo it just took me ages to get over the trauma and emotional upset of it all. thanks for sharing this, as i will probably never be able to share mine, youve made me feel less alone in dealing with this trauma.

  • Thanks for sharing. I didnt have a horrible birth but I suffered afterwards from debilitating anxiety and just felt wrong. I sought help at about 4 months and am slowly getting better. I know you have posted about these feelings before. I know your little one adores you as you are her mummy but it sounds like you could get some help dealing with your feelings. Big hugs x

  • Thank you for sharing what has obviously been a very stressful and confusing time. I to had a very difficult pregnancy/birth which even though was 6 years ago, has left me with some deep rooted feelings of confusion, sadness and regret. It is one of the reasons I have not gone onto have anymore children but there are other factors too.
    I have to agree with others who have suggested getting some support and having the opportunity to discus your feelings and fears with someone impartial, a counsellor maybe? Sending hugs.
    Becks x

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