A friend of mine has recently given birth. I am so happy for them, I really am. But everytime I think about them, and their birth, I feel sad inside. Everytime I see a TV program advertised about birth, I switch over. I hated my birth.
I can’t think happy thoughts about my birth. I hated my birth, I hated that day, that I now need to celebrate every year, as it it my girl’s birthday. That day was not how I thought it would be, I was prepared for my expectations to not be met but this fell way below that. It’s getting easier the further away I am from that date.
I feel so many mixed emotions about birth and the whole experience I recieved. It effected the way I felt about being a Mum, and my baby, for several months. I find it hard when people ask me about my birth, especially my pregnant friends, I have to tell them my experience was not something I can share as I don’t want to upset them.
I know a lot of people have bad experiences, much worse than mine. But this is how I feel, I can’t help that my experience has left me feeling blank, cold, empty about birth.
I feel I have only just got to know my baby, and now I will have to leave her in 2 months to go to work. That hurts and makes me reflect on it all again. Precious time wasted.
I didnt ‘feel’ anything when I gave birth. I had no rush of emotion, no rush of hormones. I was pleased, of course. But I didn’t even cry. I looked at her in her crib for hours, I looked at her and I felt, I wanted to feel, something.
It took several weeks for me to feel anything like what people say you feel when you give birth.
I hated everything that happened to me. I hated all the issues I had with breastfeeding, the guilt I felt at bottle feeding, the guilt I felt at stopping breastfeeding, the regret I feel now that I stopped (even though at that point it was really stopping itself).
I wanted to feel that bond, that connection. I feel so jealous of other people’s births, and when other people talk about how lovely it was and how they felt.
I don’t mean them ill, I am glad for them, but it just reminds me of how I feel about it all.
I am now jealous if people spend time with Bubs, I worry she likes or loves them more than me. Although I do have a bond with her now, and I love her dearly, and we get on really well now, I am nervous about it, I am nervous about how she feels about me.
Does that sound silly? Or crazy?
Writing this, it sounds like I am on a downhill slide into some sort of depression, but that’s not it. I am OK, in the here and now, I am happy, and I am so pleased with how me and her have done these last 6 and a half months. It’s just when I look back, I feel so angry, sad, regretful, guilty, emotional – I don’t think I can describe it. It just makes me feel overwhelmingly sad.
If I had another child, I would worry not only about the birth, but what if next time, it either all happens again, or what if I feel these things? Will that be more than what I feel for Bubs? My rational head says no. But thoughts just pop into my head sometimes.
I know some twitter friends have suggested contacting the hospital, to discuss my birth, look at my notes, and to contact services for support. I am thinking about this, as I think it may be that I need closure. It’s a wound that I am picking, I know. I don’t mean to sound like a self-pitying misery guts. I just wanted to write this post as I know a few other people felt like me. I want to tell you, if you are reading this, and feel like I do, you are not alone.
And if you are in the midst of it, I am on the other side. Yes I feel bad about it but it doesn’t take over every thought of every day. 6 months on, I feel so much better, and a lot of it is down to Bubs. It is going to break my heart to leave her, as I feel I have only just got to know her, and I feel I wasted 3 months at the start. But it does get better and you can feel a bond, and a connection, to your baby. It will come eventually. And writing things like this, and reflecting on my experience really does help to start the healing and moving on. But I will always say I hated my birth, and that sucks.