thoughts and things

GUILT

I have had the week off as I had some annual leave that I needed to use before the end of March (and to start packing up my house for the move which I have, er, yet to start). Now I have been with Bubs every day, we have been out, we have played, sang, laughed – we have just done normal stuff. I have enjoyed being at home again.

As I have had the week off, and we have a lot of house stuff to do, I asked my Mum if she would have Nancy over the weekend so we could get on with things but also have a bit of time to myself. My Mum lives an hour away in the countryside so it’ll be nice for Nancy to see her, my dad and sister, but also for her to be somewhere a bit different too. She’s stayed over night there before no problems.

I have been feeling fine about it, until today, when I suddenly felt:

GUILTY

My heart being clenched by an unknown force. I felt strange – I don’t normally feel guilty about things baby related. It makes sense that we have a bit of time to ourselves and I know Bubs will enjoy spending time with her grandparents. But yet I feel guilty about leaving her.

I felt a bit like I was abandoning her or something. It’s funny how my brain works. I can feel myself having this conversation in my head:

Me: oh god I feel soooo guilty about leaving Bubs at the weekend!
Other side of my brain: WHY? don’t be ridiculous! Just enjoy some time to yourself!
Me but I feel so bad about just taking off and leaving her! What if she misses me?
Other side of brain: this girl won’t give a crap about you once she’s being force fed chocolate buttons by Nanny! Give it up!
Me wahhhhh!

Why do I feel guilty, for gods sake? It’s not that I’m off gallivanting every day of the year is it. I don’t palm Bubs off on everyone, I spend a lot of my time with her. In fact, I don’t think there have been many days since she was born where I haven’t been there for her at some point. Why am I now trying to justify everything? Why does it matter? Bleurgh.

Sometimes this mush of a brain angers and confuses me all at the same time.

Why does my brain want to rain on my parade? All I want is to sort the crap out in my house, take it to the tip, go to the pub for a little drink, watch orange is the new black when I get home, eat a Chinese and sleep till about 10am. That’s all. That’s all I want to do. Is that BAD of me?

I need to shake this feeling off, probably with a gin and tonic.

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