Category Archives: Experience

Birthday Bother

I really can’t be bothered about Bubs’ birthday. I know that sounds harsh but I can’t get excited about it. For one, it seems a lot of hassle for a day that she will never remember. And secondly, it just reminds me of what I had to go through last year – yes the birth, but also what is niggling me is remembering all the hassle I had breastfeeding and having to stay in hospital for almost a week – not good memories for me.

I know it’s not really about me. It’s her birthday. Of course I am glad, and slightly amazed, that next week my girl turns 1. But as for doing anything about it, I simply have no desire or energy.

I see people arranging parties, some simple family affairs, others elaborate birthdays that would rival Harper Beckham’s dos. I just don’t see the point. If you want to spend your money this way, fair enough, I just can’t think of anything worse.

A Cake Smash. Really?!

Take one thing I’ve seen being done a lot more – a cake smash. You buy or bake a beautiful cake, then let your child demolish said cake whatever way they like. Professional photographers capture the moment your child goes crazy on sugar, smearing icing all over the damn place.

1. – I’d rather smash the cake up in my face then let the kiddo do it.

2. WHAT A WASTE OF CAKE!

Yeah so I’m really not keen on that idea. I think it’s a bit much telling a child they can deliberately make a load of mess when in real life we try and teach them to do the opposite. I understand the sensory aspects and the texture and the fun it may be, but this is cake! A cake is for eating, not beating.

Themed Parties

Themes always sound like a good idea but in my head it always looks better than in reality.

I love nothing more than setting up a Pinterest board and pinning away. For example I had a great idea for a baby naming day to have for bubs – a little tea party with flowers and teacups and a little Alice-in-wonderland-Ness out in the garden on a glorious summers day. I imagined making a glorious cake and having bunting and balloons. What it turned out to be was a cake that looked like this:

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And a hello kitty bunting hanging Limply in the corner of the room. And it rained. I’m not cut out for this.

Other people seem to be able to make these ideas come to life. I think most of my issues are that it all costs money – money I don’t have or I don’t want to pay the extortionate price.

Presents

Just like Christmas really, I don’t want to have to buy lots of presents for bubs. People ask me what she likes – I have no idea. She doesn’t really have preferences. I found at Christmas bubs got very overwhelmed with it all and if I’m honest, she doesn’t really need anything. I’m trying to think of something lasting, something a bit special that she can have as a lasting gift over the years, but I’m stumped. I tried to start a scrap book but it’s now gathering dust on the shelf. Of course I am so pleased and grateful if people do get her things. It’s just the pressure of it all I don’t like, as well as the fact I appear to be devoid of any sort of imagination!

What to do:

I think I may just make a big pot of tea, let my mum make a cake invite the family around and just leave it at that. No balloons, no crazy decorations, no fuss.

I sort of feel bad that I’m not that kind of person, I wish I was in a way. I just can’t get excited about something that really is just another day.

What did you do for your child’s first birthday? I’d love to know!

Working Mum

Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

I have been back at work for about 6 weeks. So how has it been, now I am a Working Mum?

It’s been tough, I won’t lie. My only relief has been that I’ve only been working 2 days a week. I’m going up to 4 days after Christmas, and I am wondering how I’ll cope.

The actual worky bit, isn’t so bad. The job is the same, the people are the same and it is reassuring to return somewhere where people know you. My old mug has resurfaced, a ten month hiatus from my excessive tea drinking. I have moved desks and offices but I am in a lovely office with some lovely people. Things have changed slightly, but I can manage that.

There are times at work when I totally forget I’ve even had a baby. I suddenly remember, realising what my life is like now. It is like a little bubble, work. I sometimes think I’m still pregnant, my last memories of work being pregnant. I find it easy to switch off at work and I am used to doing this, nurses have to be good at keeping work and family life separate.

I feel empty, though. Every so often I think of Bubs and I feel bad imam at work, or that I haven’t thought of her more during the day. Getting to work is stressful. I have to wait for people to arrive to look after Bubs before I can go to work. They are not always on time, no fault of their own, but it means I’m late to work and it just makes me unsettled. When my partner is at home, I should leave it all to him, bp and just get ready and go, but it never ends up that way. Sometimes it’s me, not wanting to leave, or being a control freak and doing something my way. Other times it’s because he expects me to sort it out, even though when he goes to work he doesn’t do the same.

I have found since returning to work my concentration has lessened; also my tolerance for looking at the computer screen for too long – I have been getting bad headaches from it. Readjusting to work life is odd. It feels so familiar yet at the same time so alien. I definitely have changed my priorities. I used to spend a lot of time at work, after hours, but now as soon as the clock strikes 5 I’m off – I have someone who I want to see.

Getting home after work, and seeing my girls big smile, is so lovely. She remembers me after all. She hasn’t been upset when I leave her, which I am relieved at, as going out of the door to crying would break my heart. It’s tough, when I get home, it’s dinner, bath, bottle and bed time. No time for playing, but we have fun having a bath. My favourite time is sitting in our chair, blanket over us, having the bottle, and we sing a few songs, and have a little chat, and then usually fall asleep. I feel relief when she is asleep, but also feel a bit sad as it’s another day I haven’t really seen her.

I have found that since working, the days off I have with her, I make the most of it. I make sure we go out, we do something, see people. It has motivated me to make the most of my time. I make sure we get out of the house, and also get to play with her and not rely on the TV so much. Things have evened out a little, I feel.

When I go up to 4 days a week, with Wednesdays off, it’s going to be yet another change. I can cope with two days, I think four days will be different. I’ll have to get more involved at work and likely stress will creep in as well. I am glad I decided to do two days initially, as it has helped me acclimatise to work, but with the safety net of 5 days at home with Bubs. I’ll let you know how it goes in January.

In an ideal world, I’d love to just spend my time with her, but I can’t. I feel like I’m doing the best I can for her, and I am so excited for Christmas and her birthday. Work does make my heart feel heavy. I think I may need a change of scene, or a new challenge. In the new year I am going to start looking for a new opportunity.

How did you cope going back to work? Do you have any advice or useful tips? Let me know in the comments below!

Am I under pressure?

I read a news article at the weekend that highlighted that young women (16-30 – I just get into this age bracket!) feel lonely, isolated, and feel they can not cope. My initial reaction to this was to say “That’s not me!” But when I thought a bit more, I wonder if it is.

The article in the http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/nov/23/young-womens-trust-platform51-ywt reported on a questionnaire of 1,000 young women as part of a year long review conducted in England and Wales. Whilst young women highlighted more career opportunity than their mothers, and better chance of balancing career and parenting, they also highlighted a lot of negative things too – such as 1 in 4 young women felt that they had no one to turn to when they needed help.

Whatever social situation, it seems that women experience some negativity – 5% of women who had a degree also suffered from depression and isolation. Although the survey was relatively small, and highlighted issues for young women that don’t necessarily relate to me – such as unemployment and being on benefits – but the article got me thinking. Can women cope? Do we have people to turn to? Is life better for us than our Mothers?

Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

This morning before I went to work, I had to change the baby, dress the baby, look after the baby whilst Dan tried to get sorted. He is just starting to look after Bubs, he is trying his best, but he still needs a bit of a helping hand. Basically, I was late for work. I was late for work because I just couldn’t leave the baby, or Dan, when they both needed help.

I felt stressed, I felt hot, flustered. I couldn’t concentrate on my day ahead. Is this the pressure?

I can not remember anything anymore. People laugh and joke with me that it’s “baby brain” and I laugh and make those jokes too. But at work, I have to write everything down. I can’t remember numbers, emails, lists of things to do. I used to be able to remember reams of information. I have two diaries which I take everywhere as I can’t remember what I’m doing, work or at home. I look at the computer screen and my eyes go into a blur. My attention span seems to have diminished. I forget to eat or drink, and get headaches, and today my hands started shaking – low blood sugar I thought but even an emergency biscuit didn’t help.

Yes, some of it is getting back into work. But a lot of it is because my mind is not on my job. Generally I can get through the day in one piece. At the moment I am only doing 2 days a week. What will I be like when I have to work 4?

Being the one who earns the most money, I have to go to work. That is a lot of pressure. The thing is, I enjoy my job most of the time – I just can’t give it my full attention. What is this like if you don’t? I am hoping that these issues will pass, once I’ve got back into a new/old routine, and we have all settled into our new roles, and how it will work each day. I’ve got to give it more time to settle.

Other stresses this article highlights are loneliness, depression and isolation. It made me think. There are many times when I feel lonely, even when I am meeting other people. Living away from my family is hard too. You can feel quite cut off from your old life once you’ve had a baby – most of my social life was connected to work – and unless you make a physical effort, then it can be all consuming, this emptiness. I am glad I started blogging as an outlet, and as a way to meet other like minded people. For me, it has helped greatly.

Young women can feel so many things. When I was 16 I had many different dreams and aspirations than I do now. Sometimes I feel sad I never achieved these. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right choices. Sometimes I feel trapped, and want to break out of what I am doing. Sometimes I dream of walking away from everything and starting again.

Is it better for me now than it was for my mum? Yes, in many ways, it is. When I think of my mum, who gave birth to me at 21, she struggled a lot. My mum never got a degree. My mum took whatever jobs she could. Eventually she got a job, and worked her way up – but I doubt she really enjoyed it or felt it was her calling in life. I have been able to go to university, train as a nurse. I have mangled to stay relatively debt free in comparison to my parents who had to live in debt to bring myself and my siblings up. So yes, I think life is better.

But because your life is better doesn’t mean you don’t feel lonely, or isolated.

In my life I have tried my best to be independent, to make my own choices, fiercely so. But it is this moment in my life that I have felt the most pressure. Being responsible, having someone dependent on you, is a great pressure indeed. It is easy to feel like you can’t cope. When there are things you can’t control in life, we all feel life is running away from us. The thing is to recognise how you feel, and get some support, because there is a lot out there.

I think I am coping, just about.

5 things I’ve learnt about my partner looking after the baby

I’ve learnt there are a few things I should have made sure my partner knew about looking after the baby when left in solo charge of the Bubba.

1. How to dress the baby – Yes, they may know the clothes go where, but layering may be a different thing entirely. I came home one day to find Bubs in a summer play suit, underneath a Pair of leggings and a dress. Another time, she had tights, a vest, leggings, a top and a jumper on.

2. What sort of things to eat – I came home another day to hear Bubs had eaten a veggie sausage, a vegetable finger….covered in last nights chilli. Chilli con vegetable finger? Hmmm

3. Don’t let the baby nap too long – if I am told quite proudly that baby has had a two and a half hour nap since 3.30pm, and that this meant he could complete a level on some game on the xbox, I know that I have a long night in front of me. And so does he.

4. Clean up as you go – I thought I’d been burgled when I came home one night. Every kitchen utensil had been used, the high hair still had breakfast strewn across it, a sea of toys had flooded my carpet. I’d forgotten what it used to be like in the beginning, and when he used to accuse me of doing nothing all day….

5. Always take spare clothing – hearing that your baby daughter had to be fashioned a sarong out of her coat because her dad had decided a small spot of dribble on her trousers was in fact nappy leakage, and that this incident occurred in a supermarket, I was just glad the baby would have no recollection of this in the future.

Lets see what the next week brings!

Near or Far, Wherever You Are, Mum

I’ve spent most of my life trying to get away from my Mum, my Dad. Getting away from my family. Is it something innate that makes us want to break away when we are young, to repel what we have been brought up with, with what we know. Is it something that eventually goes full circle?

I have spent a lot of the last 10 years away from my close family. A lot of time just speaking on the phone, seeing them when I can, but usually not very often. I’ve spent a lot of time being selfish, finding myself, being drunk, hungover, changing plans at the last minute. I’ve been at university, I’ve been working, I’ve been making my life. I know my parents are very proud of what I have achieved. I have enjoyed what I have done.

My parents annoy me. They give me advice I don’t want, or just make me cringe with what they say or do. I don’t always agree with decisions they make. I have to hassle them to look after themselves, and I have been disappointed with things they have done. Yet at the same time, they make me smile laugh, I enjoy their company and I know they love me. When I really need them, they are there for me. I don’t live near my mum and dad, but not really by choice. My parents moved around in my childhood and now live in a house that I have no connection with. I’ve never really felt like I needed to be near them. I was quite happy being over an hour away from them. It was a good arrangement for me.

Recently, however, I feel I have wasted a lot of time. I wish I was near my mum. I worry that if anything happens, or they need me, I am too far away from them. I worry that Bubs won’t know them as well as she might if we lived closer. I know my Mums not that far away, but I wish I could pop in for a cup of tea, a quick chat. I wish she was near me to see the baby, to babysit at a moments notice. I wish I could be there, in an instant, when she needs some help or a shoulder to cry on.

I feel a sense of panic rising. I feel scared, and vulnerable. For the first time, in a long time, I feel I need my Mum.

That home bird instinct has kicked in a last. Do we all suddenly feel this way? I never thought I would. I am very independent, and my parents can irritate me. I know if I did live nearer, I’d probably be writing the opposite. At the moment though, I wish so much I could be there for my mum, without having to drive for an hour. Because that hour can be a very long time indeed, sometimes.

I just want to make sure that I spend as much time with my Mum as I can, because I feel I’ve wasted so much time already.

Going Out, Staying In

I had a baby free night last night. I guess you could call it a date night. Me and my partner were freeeee! Baby had gone to stay overnight at my Mums house. This was the first time my Mum would have had her overnight without me being there. I was OK about leaving her there, I felt confident my Mum would be alright, but it sure felt weird driving off without her. For a start it was so much quicker getting into the car! I was ready for a night out.

The reason for our night off was that I had bought my partner tickets to see Mickey Flannagan, the comedian. I bought them in May. I nearly forgot about it, in my baby brain haze and thought we’d missed it, but no, we remembered a week before. Before bubs, this sort of thing would have been easy, and I probably wouldn’t have forgotten about it. We’d have just gone out. Now, this night involved a military precision plan: As my partners mum was away, we had to drive an hour and a bit down to my Mums to drop off Bubs. We spent a bit of time down there, settled in bubs and set up the travel cot. We then had to drive back to Brizzle, just in time to douse myself in perfume, change my top, and shoot out the door again to get something to eat.

We were knackered before we’d even gone out.

We must have looked a sight; two bedraggled late 20-something’s, both wearing the only two clean tops we could find (the ones at the bottom of the washing basket that you haven’t actually worn for 2 years and you didn’t really like it anyway as it rides up a bit showing your flabby tummy and you were actually going to take it to the charity shop but never got round to it), both wearing jeans covered in baby milk and squashed carrot sticks (and god knows what that dark stain is…) wearing trainers and old socks. I don’t think I’d brushed my hair that day. Or maybe the day before. At least I’d brushed my teeth. I think.

Anyway, we were out! Woohoo. Just like the old times (apart from chronic tiredness and aching limbs).

We went to a burger bar for dinner, surrounded by students 10 years younger than us and a couple 10 years older than us with a whiney 7 year old, who were trying to act our age. I love this burger bar, it’s fab (atomic burger if you need to know!) it’s all retro, with he-man wall paper and Star Wars figures hanging from the ceiling. It’s cool. It reminds me of my youth. Anyway, we enjoyed it, but £28 for two burgers? We started to moan about how much everything costs, the economy. Stuff that would sound relevant on Radio 4. I was starting to feel a bit old.

We drove to the venue as it was too much for a taxi (grumble grumble). On the way, a drunken woman jumps into the road, and we are inches from hitting her. Such a shock! What a crazy woman this was, she stumbles away from our car, falls onto another, then walks down the street. We used to live in this street, and agree that it’s much better where we are now away from all the drunken types, and the students.

We arrived at the venue, and finally began to relax. We bought a drink (bit pricey!) and found our seats, which are pretty good ones for once. We chatted, talked about things that we haven’t been able to as we’ve been too busy with the baby. We managed to stay awake for he whole show. Achievement! I really enjoyed it, actually. I was able to forget about everything, and laugh. I am so glad I booked comedy tickets, as it was what we both needed; to laugh and not worry for a while.

In the old days we would have gone out for a drink in town after the show. This time we’d bought a bottle of wine and it was in the fridge waiting for us when we got in. Much cheaper than going to a few pubs!

And this is what I enjoyed the most; we sat on the sofa, a throw over us, eating chocolate and drinking wine and watching crap on the TV. We didn’t have to do anything. We were free. We went to bed at about 1am! I don’t think I’d seen that time of day for a while. There was no fear of baby waking up, nothing to get up for. We could lie in.

I woke up at 8.30am. Tired, groggy, and I missed my baby.

You see at every point of our evening, I thought of bubs. I was pleased to be out, but I’d have been just as happy with her. You think you want a night off, but you don’t. Anyone who doesn’t have a baby will think you are desperate for time away, but you’re not. I could do with a few hours or so to sort the house out, and to watch breaking bad. But going out has lost a lot of appeal. Maybe I’m old but I couldnt go out clubbing anymore. I’d die of exhaustion but what I mean is, I can think of better things to do. More valuable things to do. I enjoyed my evening, don’t get me wrong, and that dose of laughter was just what I needed. But I would have liked to come home to Bubs and not an empty house. I am so grateful to my Mum for having her, and I know she had a fab time, but I didn’t realise I’d feel this way. Or that I’d feel so bloody OLD.

If I am to have a night away from Bubs, I’d rather clean up the house, have a takeaway and drink a bottle of vino in my pyjamas than venture out. That seems like true bliss to me. Gosh I really do sound old, don’t I.

I am truly a parent, truly an old lady, truly over my going ‘out out’ days, to quote Mickey Flannagan.

Staying in is the new going out, or so they say.

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I’m oh so TIRED!

tired

 

People say they feel tired. Tired after a long day at work, or running, or doing some sort of aerobic excercise. People say they are sick and tired, fed up, tired of this, of that. We all think we know how it feels to be tired. As a nurse, I am used to feeling tired, days are long, my client group can be challenging. I thought I knew what tired meant.

I thought I did, until I had a baby.

“Sleep now while you can!”

“You’ll never feel like this again!”

“It’ll change your life!”

” You won’t have felt anything like it!”

These are some of the responses I got in pregnancy. Sleep while I can, pah! I had more important things to do such as go to gigs and watch box sets on DVD whilst eating biscuits.  I knew I would feel different, I knew things would change. I knew I was naive, I knew I didn’t know what the hell to expect.  So I just got on with the life I knew until it all changed, inevitably. I was nervous, anxious about it. I knew I wasn’t that good feeling tired. I like sleep. Don’t we all?

But boy, am I tired. I am blinking so so tired. 6 and a half months later, I am still tired. Sorry if you’ve just had a baby and I am raining on your parade. If I’ve got this far, so can you.

This tired, is not like what I used to feel. This is walking through a fog, can’t see properly, fuzzy headed, I can’t remember what day it is tired. This is a tiredness that is with me night and day. It’s always there in the background, chipping away at my soul. Now I don’t want to sound all negative. These last six and a half months have been, on the whole, pretty darn good. I love my baby girl. We have great fun. But she is like a new battery, and I am on about 4% and flagging badly.

It was worse at the start, definitely. I was so tired at the start, I didn’t sleep properly for days, and that was like being drunk, and having a hangover all at the same time. That was bad. That was extreme. I was scared of the nighttime, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep, that’s how bad I felt. I thought it would never end. Sleeping in 2, 3 hour blocks is not natural. But, she started sleeping longer, and I felt better.

Nowadays, it is just something I have either got used to, or its settled into a numbing yet functional level. I can carry on just fine, I can work through it, but every so often, it just gets on top of you, or hits you for six. I get tearful, I get anxious, I just want to lie down. It’s usually on days when Bubs won’t sleep, or nap. On days when my partner is not home until 9pm at night – days like that are long, and agonising. It makes my motivation sink, and things like my diet go out of the window. I need sugar, I need carbs to get over a bad day like that. Not good. An apple just does not do the same thing, I am afraid.

I know what people mean now. I get what they were saying to me. It wasn’t particularly helpful at the time, as you just can not comprehend how you will feel. I know everyone is different, and maybe you are lucky and full of vitality (if you please tell me how!). I have so many things I want to do, and so many people to see, and stuff I need to sort out. Some days I just can’t even shower until the afternoon as I just can’t bear it.

I ache. I ache all over! In the mornings I wonder if I’ve slept at all. I drag my sorry ass down the stairs. My feet feel like they are stuck, I hobble and stumble until the blood gets back to my legs and I can start to walk properly not like a maimed zebra. I rub my eyes, and I sometimes wonder if my glasses are fogged up – no, it’s just my eyes adjusting to the light before they actually want to. Tea makes me feel better, I sit down and drink tea and try to come to terms with another day dawning.

Once I’m up, if I force myself to get dressed, if I have something to go, and places to be, I can do it now. It is better to go out and do something as if you stay in you just start watching breaking bad when the baby naps and it goes from bad to worse really.

Somedays I feel good. Some days I don’t feel so tired. But you know when you get a chance to have a lie in, to sleep in, your body decides that NO! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO THAT and wakes you up anyway. Or, lets you sleep longer than gives you a headache for the rest of the day. Why is that? Is that to torture us?

Anyway, I digress. I am tired. I am A Mother.

I hear this is going to go on until she is a least a teenager. I better stock up on Tea. And maybe go to yoga, and sort my limbs out.

 

2 months, 8 weeks: my maternity leave bucket list

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I have two months left before I have to go back to work. This makes me feel sad but I won’t let it get me down. I have decided to write a list of what we are going to do in the next 8 weeks. I want to have fun, make memories and not waste any time. I feel like I missed out at the start so I want to make the end of my maternity leave so much better.

I do have some annual leave to take when I get back to work so I will only be working a few days a week to start which is nice. However I can’t pretend that I am still on mat leave; it must end , I must go to work, and things must change.

I asked people on twitter and Facebook what I should out on my list and I got some great ideas.

So without further ado, here is my list. I hope you enjoy!

My Maternity Leave Bucket List: 8 Weeks Left

Go Swimming

Go to a Farm

Go to Aquarium

Sensory Play

Bake a Cake

Start a ‘Crafty’ Project

Jumping in Puddles

Berry Picking

Make Christmas Cards

Make Christmas Presents

Complete (or rather start) scrapbook

Messy Play

Visit Friends

Go to the Seaside

Go to the Park, play on the swings

Make Clay Hand and Foot Prints

Spend a Day with Daddy

Sort out photographs and put some on walls

Go to Soft Play

Go for a Picnic

Go for a Play Date

Watch Fireworks

Wear Matching Clothes

Spend a lazy day in PJ’s watching  DVD

Go to the Cinema? (not sure if she will, but maybe!)

Go to a Children’s Play/Pantomime

 

I will try to do as may of these things as possible. Maybe not all of them are possible, but it’s good to dream. I am feeling very positive and excited for the weeks ahead.

Do you have anything specific you want to do before you go back to work? Do you have any ideas? Let me know in the comments below!

I hated my birth….how birth affected my bond with my daughter

A friend of mine has recently given birth. I am so happy for them, I really am. But everytime I think about them, and their birth, I feel sad inside. Everytime I see a TV program advertised about birth, I switch over. I hated my birth.

I can’t think happy thoughts about my birth. I hated my birth, I hated that day, that I now need to celebrate every year, as it it my girl’s birthday. That day was not how I thought it would be, I was prepared for my expectations to not be met but this fell way below that. It’s getting easier the further away I am from that date.

I feel so many mixed emotions about birth and the whole experience I recieved. It effected the way I felt about being a Mum, and my baby, for several months. I find it hard when people ask me about my birth, especially my pregnant friends, I have to tell them my experience was not something I can share as I don’t want to upset them.

I know a lot of people have bad experiences, much worse than mine. But this is how I feel, I can’t help that my experience has left me feeling blank, cold, empty about birth.

I feel I have only just got to know my baby, and now I will have to leave her in 2 months to go to work. That hurts and makes me reflect on it all again. Precious time wasted.

I didnt ‘feel’ anything when I gave birth. I had no rush of emotion, no rush of hormones. I was pleased, of course. But I didn’t even cry. I looked at her in her crib for hours, I looked at her and I felt, I wanted to feel, something.

It took several weeks for me to feel anything like what people say you feel when you give birth.

I hated everything that happened to me. I hated all the issues I had with breastfeeding, the guilt I felt at bottle feeding, the guilt I felt at stopping breastfeeding, the regret I feel now that I stopped (even though at that point it was really stopping itself).

I wanted to feel that bond, that connection. I feel so jealous of other people’s births, and when other people talk about how lovely it was and how they felt.

I don’t mean them ill, I am glad for them, but it just reminds me of how I feel about it all.

I am now jealous if people spend time with Bubs, I worry she likes or loves them more than me. Although I do have a bond with her now, and I love her dearly, and we get on really well now, I am nervous about it, I am nervous about how she feels about me.

Does that sound silly? Or crazy?

Writing this, it sounds like I am on a downhill slide into some sort of depression, but that’s not it. I am OK, in the here and now, I am happy, and I am so pleased with how me and her have done these last 6 and a half months. It’s just when I look back, I feel so angry, sad, regretful, guilty, emotional – I don’t think I can describe it. It just makes me feel overwhelmingly sad.

If I had another child, I would worry not only about the birth, but what if next time, it either all happens again, or what if I feel these things? Will that be more than what I feel for Bubs? My rational head says no. But thoughts just pop into my head sometimes.

I know some twitter friends have suggested contacting the hospital, to discuss my birth, look at my notes, and to contact services for support. I am thinking about this, as I think it may be that I need closure. It’s a wound that I am picking, I know. I don’t mean to sound like a self-pitying misery guts. I just wanted to write this post as I know a few other people felt like me. I want to tell you, if you are reading this, and feel like I do, you are not alone.

And if you are in the midst of it, I am on the other side. Yes I feel bad about it but it doesn’t take over every thought of every day. 6 months on, I feel so much better, and a lot of it is down to Bubs. It is going to break my heart to leave her, as I feel I have only just got to know her, and I feel I wasted 3 months at the start. But it does get better and you can feel a bond, and a connection, to your baby. It will come eventually. And writing things like this, and reflecting on my experience really does help to start the healing and moving on. But I will always say I hated my birth, and that sucks.

 

 

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Partners on The Maternity Ward: A Good Idea?

Watching the very exciting news today about the birth of the royal baby, a piece of information caught my eye.  Prince William would stay with Catherine overnight with their baby. 

Hold on, I thought.  I didn’t get that.  Dan wasn’t allowed to stay with me.

Having not slept for nearly 48 hours, when Dan left at 8pm (the special leaving time for dads) I cried. I had no idea what I was doing.  The midwives and health care assistants were there to ‘help’, but with buzzers going off left right and centre, help took a long time coming.  I struggled to feed and I was awake all night with a baby that wouldn’t feed, wouldn’t be put down and wouldn’t sleep.  I eventually fell asleep for an hour with her on my chest. It wasn’t the start I had envisaged.

I understand currently Dads aren’t allowed due to privacy and dignity of the other ladies on the Ward. But most people have their curtains shut, and if everyone had someone to support them, would this be an issue? 

I’m glad William is there for Kate.  That’s how it should be.  How can we ever get equality in child rearing if we exclude the partners of the mothers? It automatically becomes the woman’s job because she’s the one left holding the baby on the ward.  It then becomes the mothers role to pass on all they have learnt, about parenting as well as the baby, to their partner. Yes they get to spend the day time with them but Bubs was asleep most of the time during the day and started to scream just as Dan went down the corridor.

I was in hospital several days. I resented Dan leaving me. I resented the struggle I had with feeding. Having someone to go through that with, would have helped me so much.  I was so down I really didn’t enjoy those first few days – and that’s not right. 

Spending time together, day or/and night, in a safe environment, seems such a good idea to me.  Bonding, working it out, all together.  I am sure if dan had been there that first night I would have coped better and he would have had a better idea of what I was going through. 

What do you think?  Should partners be allowed to stay on maternity wards?