I had never attended a spa day before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. This weekend I was on a spa day as it was for my sisters’ birthday. Paper knickers, foil and chanting monks…..see what happened when I went for a Salt Glow treatment….
Now I must say that there is a reason why I haven’t been on a spa day before. I am scared of people, and I am a bit weird. I get anxious worrying about what will happen and what I am supposed to do. I am terribly self-conscious. I just say stupid things and do stupid things. I decided to just go for it, and just push my boundaries and have a Salt Glow Scrub treatment.
Preparation for the spa day took several hours. I had to shave my legs, my underarms and also attack my ‘bikini’ line which looked more like a ‘shorts’ line. I also had to slap on the make-up to make sure I looked good enough in all the spa day photos.
On arrival I was disappointed we were not having prosecco, but then it was pointed out to me it was 10am and some people seem to think this is a little early to start on the bubbles. We were shown around the spa and allocated our robe and towels, obligatory uniform for a spa day.
What do you wear under the Robe? Nothing? Underwear? Swimsuit? I chose a swimsuit.
The Salt Scrub
As I entered the room, I could hear Enya in the background. The bed was in front of me, curiously covered in a piece of foil.
“Welcome” gently breathed the therapist.
“Now if you would just change into these paper knickers, and then make yourself comfortable on the bed, then we can begin.” She handed me a small packet and then left the room.
“Oh OK! I’m wearing a swimsuit!” I said, not really sure why.
Paper knickers? I looked down into my hand, and unfolded a paper thong, one size fits all.
I haven’t worn a thong for at least 10 years. And not a paper one at that.
I looked at it for a bit to try to work out what way to put it on. I managed to get it over my hips and it just about covered my muff area. Now I realised why I was told to get rid of that ‘bikini’ area.
The bed appeared to be about 4 feet off the floor, I managed to ungracefully flop onto the bed, and onto the foil sheet, face down.
The lady then entered the room again. There was a small silence, and I wondered what was going to happen next. Then, without further ado, she started to rather vigorously slather my arms and legs in a hot oil, and then scrub the living daylights out of them.
The music changed to monks chanting.
She started to wrap me up in the foil, and then wrapped two towels around me.
“I will just leave you a moment to relax” she whispered, and slinks out the room.
I felt all cocooned, like a baby swaddled or back in the womb. I let myself drift for a moment and felt relaxed. But then I couldn’t stop thinking about a piece of chicken that was ready to roast. I also wasn’t sure when she was coming back and I was worried I was going to fart or something.
Back she comes, and starts to unwrap me. The chicken was ready.
She turns a shower on behind her, and for a moment of horror I think she is going to wash me.
“If you would like to get in the shower, and remove ALL the scrub, and I will be back in a moment”
“Er, do I wear these knickers in the shower?!” I ask, completely not understanding anything.
“Er. Well you can if you want….” She looks at me as if I am insane. I start to get off the bed, and then slip right off the foil sheet. I try and gain my composure.
I get in the shower, wash off the scrub, and manage to dry myself, put my paper knickers back on and then haul myself back on the bed for whatever else is happening.
Back in she glides, and the enya music is cranked up a notch.
She grabs my leg and we are back roughly massaging cream all over my legs. It does smell lovely.
“I shall now do the mini-facial” She announces, which is news to me as I wasn’t expecting her to touch my face.
She takes two cotton pads and gently wipes away all the make up I plastered on myself this morning. Typical.
As she is doing this, I start to become conscious of what my face must look like to her. Am I smirking? Laughing? Do I look calm and relaxed? I almost start to laugh out of nervousness and now I am aware of my face and what my mouth is doing I can’t stop smirk-laughing, Trying to look more calm and relaxed is making me look like a crazy axe murderer. My face has contorted into a strange strangled smile. I close my eyes and try to meditate, be in the moment, but then as I am thinking this I am suddenly aware that she is dabbing my face with her fingers like she’s finger painting. Dib dib dib.
Then everything stops.
There is silence apart from monks chanting. I wonder if the monks ever thought they’d be played in a room with a woman wrapped up like a chicken fillet and wearing paper pants. It’s a funny old world.
And then I hear a tiny pair of cymbals go
“That is the end of your treatment” she coos. “And I will just go and fetch you a drink”. I wonder if she manages to do a few spray tans in the time it takes her to pop in and out each time.
She hands me a glass of water, and tries to get me to buy all the stuff she smeared all over me today.
“I’ll think about it” I say as I sip my water, not intending to buy anything at all.
I thank her, and she leaves me to put on my clothes. I have a dilemma about the paper pants. Do I keep them on? I decide to take them off, and leave them on the bed. I feel sorry for the woman having to throw away other people’s paper pants.
And then I walk off, full of zen, and feeling relaxed, happy to have surivived a spa treatment and ready for my waiting prosecco.